Hi.

(Might be tmi but whatever I'm trying a new approach on an impulse. It's a depressing read at first, but it lightens up a bit.)

I've been thinking about what I should write about, and the past few days - or week I guess - I've been having a lot of anxiety, and an existential crisis just now. I know people say life is a distraction from death, but I think, at least for me, that's the wrong approach. I think death is a distraction from life and HOLY FUCK has it been distracting me the past few hours. My medical shit in my life has been getting worse recently, and even though the odds are in my favor that I'm not fucking dying, my mind can't help but fucking fixate on the possibility of cancer because I had a weird couple of stools that I have a check up planned for in a couple weeks. I know it's not a medical emergency because I talked to a professional on the phone, but still. ;-; It's been making me spiral, and I just read a random reddit post saying to focus on things that give you purpose, and I've been looking for her, but I can't find her. I don't want to be alone for the next few months or years or decades or however long I have. I want to try to be healthy, and I want someone kind who can reassure me a lot.

I do not do well at all with any amount of anger directed towards me, especially because my intentions are never to genuinely hurt, and so, it feels hurtful when my partner has those intentions. I'm no saint though because I have done abusive things to my partner in the past like cheating and sexual abuse to her on impulse. I don't do well with a lack of assertiveness I guess because I feel I need someone who can check me when I'm being impulsive or spiraling, someone who is smooth and can relate to me emotionally with ease, and won't punish me with passive aggressiveness. I need communication really bad, I need to be told things blunt but in a sweet understanding way as the motive sometimes because I can be "dense" I guess as a friend put it.

Tbh tho, social anxiety, a lack of social experience, and high-functioning autism might be at play after talking to my therapist and another mental health professional. Idk for sure though, but my point is, please don't be mean outside of sex because it depresses and overwhelms me and it hurts a lot. I'm sensitive to that stuff. Also to loud noises and comments about gender stuff sometimes and body stuff make me ick.

I am generally a silly guy, but what I want more than anything is someone to understand me, and to have a voice and face and way of speaking I like. I don't care about body as long as you're trying to be healthier in the long-term. I am trying to lose weight, and I'm almost no longer obese medically. I'm also about 5'9", white, brown long hair because I'm balding already lol, husky, a small unkempt beard and mustache rn, glasses with dark blue eyes that usually look stoned even though I don't smoke, and pretty small down below. I'm bi too, prefer women way more usually but it fluctuates, only romantically attracted to women, and I might want other sexual or maybe even romantic partners. I would like a main partner, or set of partners though. Also, I watch a lot of porn and fucked up hentai and masturbate a lot, so I hope you're ok with that as well, and not expecting me to change that. I might, but I want to do it on my terms if I do. Another weird thing is uh... idk how to fully explain this but there's this small thing that I've noticed in my childhood crush growing up (she's white and after we grew up I don't think she's my type) and I think in East Asian women or Asian women in general that makes me feel really bubbly. When they smile, their bottom half of their eyelids go kinda high and it looks really cute and idk if I'm autistic but it makes me want to flap my hands when I see that. I'm also looking to be emotionally vulnerable with someone who can direct and guide me at THEIR pace because I rush too much into stuff. I hide my emotions irl, and I want to cry and be silly and age regress and be horny and creepy and angry in private.

I don't do much for hobbies, but I think making money gives me value in life, so I want to start my own business. I'm on break from college rn tho. I'm looking to expand my life from more than just living like a sim and jerking off, but that's where I'm at rn. A manchild and hopefully a loveable fuckup hehe. I do like dark trap and weird music though. I don't care what your hobbies are, but I'd like to share some terminally online stuff with you, and I'm open to sharing some outdoorsy hobbies of yours. The main thing is though, I just want someone who reminds me of the gonewildaudio nsfw popular voice actresses tbh lol. I want that general comforting motherly vibe, as a relationship, and I'm hoping you're very flexible in indulging my creative always-changing fantasies, and I hope you come up with some of your own on the regular too. Also, another random thing, I want to make a fucked up hentai game or write a book.

Ok so this is a bdsm sub, let's talk bdsm. I'm pretty demanding and selfish, but according to my therapist it's not a problem and I agree. But whatever, my point is I'm probably a "dom" but the thing is I'm more the cute type than sexy type I guess. There is no archetype or word I know of that can describe how I am sexually in summary. I'm usually more masochistic and bottom-leaning, and I want my partner to automatically play with my body on a whim and do stuff I ask for. I really want to enjoy the whole body of each other, from head (to armpit, to hairy asshole, to legs 🤤) to toe. I like to age regress to very young I think and play with trauma, but I age regress the most when I'm being asked lots of fucked up questions and being lovingly patronized/humiliated/infantilized. I also like the thought of being dressed up and being girly, but I'm not trans. I also have a lot of fucked up hentai related kinks. But usually, I like being in the stereotypically submissive role: the little girl/boy, pet, bimbo, etc, and I want to be milked a lot or just have the attention focused on me hand and tongue and toy-wise. I'd like to have sex like we're lesbians kinda lol. And I'd like you to have sexual desires involving me, but I'd like to be the center of attention I guess for my emotional and sexual needs more often than not. Also, I have brief moments of very intense sadism that is more intense than my masochism, but usually I prefer to be the one getting bullied or crying lol. I have a thing for tears though, and idk, I love seeing all of my partner's emotions and I want to explore each other's emotions even if their negative, and I'm writing it here because emotions and facial expressions are like a kink to me lol.

Idk what else to put. I'm clingy lol. Feel free to let me know your asl and random stuff about you that shows me you want to talk to me. I'd rather go at your pace than mine if this develops further like I said and also skibidi toilet or something blah blah blah hmu lol :)