I always seem to want too much. And I guess what I want would probably be seen as abusive. But if I’m consenting, is it really that terrible? Is it ridiculous to want you to want my trauma?

Cus that’s the thing that makes me tick - breaking me until I’m broken, a pretty little Stockholm syndrome slut. I’ve attempted healthier dynamics, you know the kind: where all participants are risk adverse, “healthy” and just so radically communicative.

“No v, that’s bad for you. We can’t play with those thoughts until you’re stable.”

“We don’t want you starving, we want you lean and fit.”

“I don’t actually think those things, I love you and I don’t want to say them.”

Fuck stability. Fuck fitting myself into what others deem appropriate kink. I tried to approach it all with good intentions. But old habits and self talk die hard. Because I want you to call me fat, ugly, worthless. I want you to hurt me until I cry. I want you to love bomb me so subtly I don’t realise how the trauma bond even began, where the first misstep was.

Psychological sadism is what I truly crave. Help me shrink. Gaslight me into losing more. Make me dependent.

But how?

Control isn’t taken by force, but through social manipulation.

We all do it, except we call it “influence” as if it’s any less…distasteful. We round the edges around our concepts on power to make them palatable. It’s socially disingenuous to me; because when you look around, there is always a person, company, state, religion or entity trying to mold and shape our thinking. Advertising, markets, consumption and profit.

I want to be reduced to being an object. A rape toy service doll that only functions to please Master. A willing, obedient slave. Take my brain and make it yours. Transform me into what you want. Shape my body as you want it.

The thing that’s funniest about my predicament is how normal I look. I’m small, with nice curves, and most people find me attractive. I am considered strong and independent by most friends.

But there’s the part that you get to see; the fragile, dependent little girl that desperately wants to be used.

I’m not listing kinks because what I want is more about a dynamic and less about fucking. Though I am a reformed nympho slut and I do love orgasm control/denial. The rest of that can be discussed when we talk. This ultimately is for TPE. Don’t waste our time if you want anything less. Time is our most valuable resource.