Do you miss having a little cutie to take care of and make sure they are not hungry or bored or unalive???

Look no further. I am essentially a real life Tamagotchi™.

I am not opposed to meeting someone for sex, this is after all NFN. However, let's focus more on the neglect part of all of this. Sex is easy, and I want (cross that, need) more than that.

I'm not looking for a significant other bash, and frankly, if that's what you want please stay away from me. It will reek of misogyny at best. I am looking for a friend, and I'm not going to lie... Typing this makes me sad. However if I don't take the courage and the plunge to make a post after waking up in the middle of the night (yay insomnia) then I will just end up having another sad day. I'm arguably too funny and cute to be living my life like that. Obviously, as we already established, since I'm a real life Tamagotchi™.

So let's play a choose your own adventure game.

Preface

About Me: in my 30s, black hair, fair skin, pretty eyes, face of a cutie with a body of a baddie, hygienic, POC, quite liberal in both societal and financial stances, love dogs, cats, racoons, and opossums (as any proper city dweller), formally educated professional with a couple expensive papers, sane and reasonable (I think), parent, attached, discreet. Fun fact, I seem to be great at falling for people who rather choose almost anything over me! I am also stupid lonely right now, and I want someone to make me smile. I save my energy to play with my kid, so I don't have much in reserve to play push and pull games with you.

About You: close in age to me, conventionally attractive, smart and clever, hygienic, hwp, tall (over 5'10), funny, liberal, SANE and reasonable (general consensus), has the time and means to entertain a cute Tamagotchi™, discreet, and wants a friend too.

Plot

You send me a message that knocks me out of the ball park. You make just the right references to our millennial misery, and I can tell there's substance beyond the cock of a head you have. You tickle my fancy, so to speak. You think to yourself, "what a delightful Tamagotchi™ I don't know why, I am compelled to want to make her happy," ah yes. You unfortunately suffer from White Knight Syndrome. Terrible affliction, I'm so sorry. Lucky for you, your particular case is not life threatening and with proper treatment (and sometimes medication) you too can live a normal life. You love to talk about all sorts of things. You want to hear my opinion on said things. You also want to give me your opinion/advice (when requested) because you actually give good advice.

Choice A

You are local! You meet all the criteria requested. Your brain is tickled by the nonsense I'm writing and you enjoyed reading it all. Ah, yes. This Tamagotchi™ smiths words so good, she doesn't even need a contrived nod to her ode. She knows she's good, and your writing will show her that yours is just as good at showing your personality. You need to meet her. You want to be her friend. You don't mind driving (because LA is big!) What could ail this cutie who absolutely seems like would bite if provoked? You want to have a chance to meet her and maybe even be her secret boyfriend?

Now, even though I did just highlight friendship throughout the post which is very important to me. I am about to go over something else just to get it out of the way -- I get along much better with men who like being submissive in bed and/or service oriented. Switch leaning submissives are even better. Oral fixation and foot worship are great. If you are a "Thunderclap Dom" (as I fondly remember the writing of the first person I ever met here), we are not going to get along. If you are domineering, then I will maybe laugh and definitely block you.

Requirements: photo verification preferred and prioritized with first message, my photo only when I feel like it. I make the rules, so I get to say that. I think I'm conventially attractive, but I am not yt.

Choice B

You are not local! You don't even meet all the criteria requested, but you want a friend! Even if it's only for symptom management of your White Knight Syndrome. You don't have the capital means for a real life affair, but you miss the companionship and connection. You would love the opportunity to take care of a Tamagotchi™ and entertain her sads away.

Requirements: no photo verification! As a matter of fact, I don't want to know what you look like or share what I look like because I have a healthy level of paranoia. Just be willing to share about yourself. Take my mind away from my worries by sharing the juicy drama in your life.

FAQ:

I would love to own this Tamagotchi™

Ah, we are so happy you are interested in owning your very own Tamagotchi™ from reddit. We are committed to finding the right fit, so you wouldn't own this unit. You would merely foster them until we do a wellness check and ascertain if it's a good fit. Cough and even then, you wouldn't own it cough.

How do I play this choose your own adventure game?

You will need to DM (not chat) us, and someone will get back to you as soon as possible. Please note that due to the sheer number of influx messages, many correspondences may just end up on spam. Make sure to follow all directions to set yourself apart.

I don't like your post, and your existence bothers me

Thanks but no thanks to your unwanted feedback! Leave the premises swiftly and quietly if this specific corner is not for you.

I loved your post but don't want to apply for this position

Thanks so much for the compliment! I'll take the sentiment, and please wish me luck finding the right person. I am honestly a bit let down with my own judgements as of late.

Immediate DQ:

"Wow your writing was so long but so entertaining"

"I'm interested"

"Message me I can't send you a DM"

"Your chat is off"

"Wow I can't believe you wrote all that when you can't sleep, I can barely function when ..."

Negging

Wanting to change our situations

Messages from new accounts

Boring stuff