Hello and welcome to my humble “little” “ad”!

Let me start off by saying that I’m an extremely unusual guy, at least compared to the norm out there. By Reddit standards, not quite so unusual :P

So, if you are looking for a healthy, well adjusted boy toy, you can safely skip this one.

Because of this, I will follow a rather unorthodox formula with this post, by telling you my very uninteresting life story! I do this, because it is somewhat necessary to understand where I’m coming from and should ultimately save everyone involved the dreaded ghosting. Or so the theory, at least. After all, someone who never writes to you in the first place also can’t ghost you. Clever, huh? Yup, it’s great, anyway!

I have a well known tendency of writing roughly 5 orders of magnitude too much text in these ads, so I shall try my best to keep this to a minimum this time around. Still, this is probably going to be fairly long, by the standards around here. You have been warned :)

Alright then, time for the short version of a very boring life story:

I was already pretty weird as a kid, not awfully social, cautious, always in my own world, that type of deal. In retrospect, everything about my life screams “ADHD”, but apparently that must’ve been a really hard diagnosis back then or something, because, to this day, I’m not officially diagnosed with it. Some blabla later, in early(ish) school life, I develop a nice dose of anxiety on top of it and compensate via generous amounts of calories. So now I’m not just the weird kid, but also the fat kit, which is plenty of fun :)

Even more blabla later, I’m in the later stages of school life and the stress and pressure of it all became too much, which lead to a stark decline in attendance and ultimately to me quitting school, as I simply couldn’t handle it. Some more unhappy years later and I finally turned 18 – ending the nightmare. But because I’m very clever and not at all an idiot, I promptly replaced the nightmare with my very own prison, essentially turning into a hermit. Through masterfully executed laziness, I managed to play this clairvoyant, Covid-preparing game for, well, until now, essentially. But hey, at least I don’t have the slightest issue with Covid. So… totally worth…!

Speaking of now, my inability to deal with life and, later, break out of the circle of my own making, I amassed a rather attractive bundle of red flags, that I shall now lay out so you can run away screaming and turn this into another waste of perfectly fine letters :)

Namely: I’m still overweight (~110kg / ~240lbs at ~183cm / 6’), I still have the executive abilities of a toddler, still have enough anxiety for a dozen cats, don’t have a job, am still a hermit and still live with my parents. But if that’s not yet attractive enough for you, fear not, I have more to offer, yet! As one may have safely deduced, I’ve also never been in any sort of actual relationship (you know, full blown kissless virgin type situation), am a complete novice at anything involving icky emotion stuff and am also not blessed with an awfully attractive body (size queens may move on). Got pretty dope eyes though, just so you know. That’s a thing.

So, long story short, you could say I’m essentially the peak of male performance and, quite likely, the most attractive person you’ve ever met. At least that’s probably true in some universe or another, which I think is close enough!

Right then, enough boring blabla! Let’s talk about why I’m even here, shall we? And by “we” I mean the kind of “we” that’s present in every group project ever, with one person doing all the work and the rest just hanging around :)

So, as the title and locality of this post have already so rudely given away, I’m looking for a domme of sorts. Mostly for the same reason as everyone else: Am submissive and horny and a guy, so there you go :P But also, because I find that being horny is a fantastic motivator. I know, shocking news! As such, there is an opportunity to squish two annoying flies with one large boulder. Namely, using said motivation to get me out of my comfort zone, because apparently it’s not gonna happen on its own, strangely enough!

More specifically, through lots of internal turmoil in the past year or two, I have realized that I do want a lot of the things I have so carefully hidden away. For instance, I have pretty massive anxiety about voice calls and such, yet it does sound kinda nice. And if I can’t even figure that crap out, how exactly am I ever supposed to go out there, right? But as it turns out, this whole D/s thing is pretty much all about this problem, as it often naturally involves everything from voice calls, over photos to video. And has a built in function for pushing one outside of ones comfort zone. Seems to me that those are precisely the attributes I need, no? :)

Now, I’ve played around with thoughts like this in the past and have found a few dommes before, with varying degrees of success, but it’s been quite a while and I most definitely wasn’t really ready for it back then. But in the last year or two, a lot of things have changed in that chaotic brain of mine, so I think this time around I’m ready to actually give it a real try. And because I’ve been here (roughly) before, I know that there are people out there who will interpret all this as me asking for a therapist. But that is very much not what I’m doing, your job wouldn’t be that of a therapist, but that of a domme. The positive upsides I mentioned above are, essentially, coincidental. Of course, I may very well be more work than your average sub, no point denying that, but ultimately I don’t think the process would be awfully different. After all, I kinda doubt the kind of domme I’d be interested in would just randomly jump into things with a sub, so it’s largely the same, anyway.

Frankly, I’m not sure how one would sell all this as a positive, but I suppose if you have a thing for challenges, I might just be your guy :P Also, there’s a good chance I’d be more motivated than your average sub and essentially a certainty that I’m vastly more serious than your average sub. Which, granted, is not very difficult around here, but still! Also, fun fact: I have ghosted precisely 1 person in my roughly 16 years online. Plus one other person because, uhm, I… kinda forgot to answer… Ahem. Point is, I’m exceptionally un-etheral. Which totally is a word, because corporeal is a silly word and I don’t want it here!

So! I shall now attempt the rather difficult task of finding positives about myself. Let’s see…

• I have lots of time, unsurprisingly. Unless I’m sleeping, I’m virtually always around.
• I am very much capable of holding a conversation, as my unnecessarily long ad will hopefully demonstrate.
• I’m very honest and very open, though not necessarily very forth coming. If you ask, I’ll most likely answer honestly, but if you don’t ask, I… might not say anything. So… that’s a thing!
• I can probably repair your computer, but not your phone!
• In principle, I’m open to voice, pictures and video. But, you know, time!
• I’m reasonably intelligent, but seem much smarter than I am because of never-shutting-the-hell-up-analytical brain. In reality I’m rather meh in the intelligence apartment, but nobody seems to notice, so let’s just pretend I’m really smart! That’s a plus, right? Can’t tell anymore...
• I’m probably really creative, though you may never know unless you figure out how to read minds, because, apparently, I can’t be bothered to do anything with it :/
• I probably have other good traits! Maybe!

Urgh, I don’t know, I’m a weird dude, and selling weird is tricky. So the above is the best I got :|

So, finally, let’s quickly talk about you. You should be:

• Somewhere between 22-40 years old. In principle I don’t awfully care about age, but people under 22 appear to not quite understand what “more than a sentence” means and people above 40 tend to be too adulting for dumb old me :<

• A human female. You can be an alien if you want, but you should roughly follow the general two arms and two legs idea. I’ll leave the 8 legs type of stuff to Japan :) Semi-funny nonsense aside, I’m not terribly bothered by how you look, that’s not really what I’m here for.

• Be capable of writing more than a sentence at a time. … This also means that I will just flat out ignore “Hi.” type message from now on, because holy shit why are even men getting these? Additionally, I will flat out ignore chats, please send a direct message instead, chat is awful. So, as another warning, I’m just going to ignore chats as well, because if you can’t even be bothered to read this, why would you be bothered to read anything else I say? So… This does mean that I will probably have to get rid of my virtually-ghosting-free status, but I’m honestly just kinda sick of people not being able to read the most basic of requests :/ (because both of these things happen literally 100% of the time I post an ad, assuming I get any reply at all (Also: Holy shit, I’m so sorry, women of Reddit, you have my sympathies...)).

• Have some actual free time you can spend on this. I have a bit of an addictive personality and can get a bit of tunnel vision, so you going all ghost for days on end would drive me insane. Not a fan :/

• Willing to be essentially exclusive. I don’t really plan on going full blown relationship with this stuff, it is mostly sexual for me, simply because I need that motivation to even be social in the first place. Where that develops from there is an open question, but, just in case, if you keep a stable of 10 slaves, I’m, again, not a fan :|

• More on the gentle side of things. I’m not really into humiliation and degradation and that type of stuff, because if it were to actually affect me, it would be bad. But it most likely wouldn’t and I’d just roll my eyes at you, which is kinda missing the entire point, yes? :P However, I do want someone who is willing to push me a little, too. That’s the other bird here, after all.

• Able to handle some… “bratiness”, maybe? I’m not really sure that’s what I’d call it, but I can talk back a lot. I’ve not had too many problems with this in the past, but if you are the type of person who would interpret this as actual backtalk, rather than the teasing that it is, we might run into issues. When I’m actually talking back, you’ll know.

• Be alright with something that will, most likely, stay online. While I’m not technically opposed to something that does not, I wouldn’t bet on me being capable of making that happen in the foreseeable future. Soooooo, you probably shouldn’t bet on it!

Annnnnd bonus points for:

• Creativity. Give me an order that is unusual in some aspect, and you get major bonus points right then and there!

• Intelligence. Honestly, you’ll already go a long way if you don’t pretend to be stupid. Because, a lot of women do that for some reason and it’s really annoying.

• The type of character that would make it to down here in the first place :P

Right. About half as long as my typical ads. Not too bad! In order to make it stay that way, I’ll skip some part I’d otherwise throw in, but just a quick note on the topic of kinks. I’m not going to throw in some list here, because I find that’s ultimately not all that useful and just makes the ad even longer. But I will say that I’m relatively vanilla compared to some others here. So no anvil dropping on my balls, no sitting on a pole, no standing in a corner doing nothing for 5 hours straight :P But other than that, I will try my best to adjust to your preferences. After all, pushing some comfort zones around is partly the point of this whole letter soup :)

I have this nagging feeling that I forgot something very important, but somehow I always have the feeling, even with ads that hit the character limit, so I’m just going to ignore it and declare this ad as completed! Should I have forgotten something important though, please let me know!