Hello people of the opposite sex and those who took a wrong turn! (Seriously, somehow I always get straight guys readings my posts and messaging me about it, it’s strange!)

Today I come to you with a fantastic offer, if you are willing to redefine the meaning of “fantastic”. And “offer”… Right, so, maybe not really either of those but… it’s a thing. So I come to you with a thing. Yes. It’s very thingy and stuff!

Since it’s a small world around here, some of may already experience some déjà vu vibes. For everyone else, here’s how my dumb ads usually work: There’s gonna be text. Yup. More importantly though, there’s going to be a whole bunch of it. So if you are the kind of person who considers the labels on your food packaging to be too close to a novel, this is probably not for you. :) I’m going to try my very best to keep it reasonably short, but, let’s be real, I’m going to fail. I’ll try though!

Additionally, I run my own version of marketing which works a bit differently than normal marketing (which is to say it just doesn’t), in that I’m not going to tell you all the amazing things about me but, rather, going to tell you all about my myriad of red flags! Clever, huh? Has the upside that nobody is going to write to me but also has the downside that nobody is going to write to me. Wait… that isn’t even good… Welp, too late, here we go:

Let’s start with the physical. In order to actually keep my promise of making this somewhat short, I’m gonna blabla a bit here and wave my hands around a bit. Short version is:

• I’m 183cm tall (which is apparently 6 feet for you special people on the big island) and weigh way too much (which is ~110kg in metric and ~240lbs in special island units). Also: my skin didn’t get the memo and decided to give me a bunch of stretch marks when growing vertically and then a bunch more when growing horizontally. So that’s nice.

• I have roughly the lifting capacity of a balloon (which may or may not be filled with helium).

• I’m not the target audience of size queens, though I have the feeling they already clicked away by now anyway.

So in short, I’m essentially Adonis. Righty then, with that established, let’s move on to the squishy bits.

Not those squishy bits. Bad reader! Shame on you! The other squishy bits. You know, the thing that loosely wiggles around in your head. That’s not just me, right? Anyway:

Somehow I have this strange feeling of being watched, so I assume there’s still some of you left. Clearly that needs to change, so let me pull out some more red flags real quick, yea? Let’s see here…

• I’m 94.58% certain that I have ADHD. Either that or I seriously need to get a medal for portrayal of it! For the uninitiated, that essentially means I’m lazy and have an excuse for it. Nifty, huh? Not really, it actually sucks pretty significant monkey balls, but neverrmind all that, who cares. Just throwing that out there so you know that I’m not gonna cure cancer any time soon. I totally could though. … Fine, shut up :(

• I’m also 83.32% certain that I have some kind of anxiety disorder going on but I’m slowly getting to the age where I’m giving increasingly fewer shits. Increasingly fewer… sure, let’s just say that makes sense. Point is, I’m an anxious mess and somehow still managed to post that picture above (I did, right? (No you didn’t, idiot, we decided not to do that again, remember? (Right. Photos of my dumb face are now reserved for people who message me. It’s a marketing thing, don’t worry about it!))). Might not wanna try to drag me into crowds though. Or outside. You know, Covid. That’s the reason. Yup. Also: Terrified of voice calls. Don’t ask me, I don’t understand either. It’s a thing. If you can barely remember what “Covid” means then that means that I was too lazy to update this and have been extraordinarily effective at repelling people. So… yay?

• I’m emotionally about as stable as [Chemistry joke here] but fortunately I’m a guy so rather than crying into your ears I’m just gonna mess up my life instead. Hail masculinity! Right, so, that was maybe a bit overly dramatic. Not really “unstable”, just don’t really know what to do with all those pesky, icky emotions and stuff. I’m pretty chill, just confused as hell :)

Hmmmmm… there’s still people here? Still feel like I’m being watched :o Unacceptable, Harald, bring me the big guns, it’s time to fire those red flags straight into their castles! (Harald is my imaginary red flag-bearer by the way. Don’t bully him, he’s only 8 seconds old. (Actually this has been posted before so his age is a bit weird now and there is some resurrection involved, but just roll with it!)

Right. Keeping it short. I forgot, my bad! So, more blabla and hand waving, so off we go with the rapid fire, red flag machine gun:

• I’ve not finished school.
• I’m living with my parents (got a whole floor to myself though, so that’s a thing).
• I’ve never had a job (lucky me, right? Or did you guys learn your lesson through Covid? Not so great after all, huh? D:)
• I’m essentially a hermit. I know, plot twist!
• I’ve never been in a relationship. That is if you don’t count weird online stuff, which I don’t. Full program, too, no kisses, no cuddles, no hugs, no sex. Because I don’t do half measures, you see!
• The politics part takes too many words so let’s just go with I’m socially very left (like actually left, not whatever the US is doing) and economically I’m of the school of thought that goes “What the hell are we even doing all these ideas are terrible oh my god we’re gonna kill ourselves please make it stop”. Official title. Yep. It’s a big movement, don’t question it.
• I have really terrible memory (totally coincidental and not at all connected to the ADHD hypothesis), so be prepared for me forgetting your birthday or, hell, your name. Because why the hell not, right? That’s not important, is it? I’m good at retaining the overall gist of things, but don’t come to me if you misplaced the details, cause I don’t have them either ;(

Now, let’s take a short break in memory of my dear friend Harald, who died young, at only 10 seconds old :( He was a good friend and an excellent flag bearer. You will be missed, Harald.

Sorry, I just can’t help myself, my fingers just type these things on their own :/ Right. Back to “keeping this short”. Ahem.

Now, let’s talk about you for a second. You should be:

• Willing to match my verbosity at least somewhat. It’s infuriating when you see women complaining everywhere that they get a bunch of one-liners but then I write long crap like this and they send me one liners as well?! What’s that about? I mean, that’s probably different groups, but still! If you think writing two sentences as an introduction is an appropriate response to this post, then we’re just not gonna work. Nor would we work if you’ve never even read this… So, let’s just test that real quick: I don’t do Reddit chat. It sucks, it’s inconvenient and doesn’t even work at all in my mobile app. So don’t chat me. Message me.

• Have some free time for this. I don’t expect anyone to have anywhere near my amounts of free time, but if you can barely muster 10 minutes a day to chat then we’ll not be done with introductions by Christmas. So… let’s maybe just not do that.

• Willing to speak English. I can forgive the occasional “effect” rather than “affect”, the accidental “it’s” instead of “its”, but when it’s clear that you don’t care at all about being understood then it’s just going to end in me getting an aneurysm :( It’s one thing to not know better, but what lesson am I supposed to take away from someone not even trying? Seems to me that someone like that doesn’t care whether I understand them, so I have to wonder why we’re even talking at that point, you know?

• I’d list a bunch of character traits I like, but, frankly, if you made it this far and are still contemplating messaging me, there’s a good chance you have them anyway :P I will however not admit that it bothers me that this list item no longer fits the “You should be” premise. Nope. Not bothered at all.

• Willing to be exclusive. Being one dude in a dozen just kinda doesn’t do it for me, I’m afraid. There is some amount of wiggle room here, it kinda depends on just how serious we’re talking. But, you know, if you keep 10 guys in cages then that’s maybe a bit much :o

• Above 18 and under, say, 50. Not awfully bothered, since both directions get a bit awkward. Older (or even my age) and you’ll have way more life experience than me, much younger and you’ll probably drive me crazy (bad crazy, not good crazy) with teenager stuff :/ Have to admit though, I kinda have a thing for someone inexperienced, there’s just something to be said about figuring things out together. Doesn’t particularly matter though, it’s a bit of a pipe dream for numerous reasons and someone more experience has certain upsides as well… soo...

• Ubligakatunga. You should be Ubligakatunga. Yup. Right, now that we made the whole “you should” be thing into a valid sentence, I can write what I wanna write :) Which is: I don’t really care a whole lot about what you look like. Doesn’t bother me one bit that you think your boobs are too small (also: small boobs are cute. Like good cute.) or your ass too big or your nose too high or whatever – I’m after your squishy bits. Oh come on now! We’ve been over this! The other squishy bits! Damnit, you people! Unbelievable. Obviously it limits things a little bit if I’m not attracted to you, but for most things it just doesn’t really matter, does it? If looks were awfully relevant for this I’d go stalk people on Facebook like a normal weirdo. Except I wouldn’t because lol Facebook, but, you know, that’s not the point!

• Not be in Australia, probably! As the title so rudely gave away, I’m in Germany. And while my sleeping schedule is a bit like the weather, I’m trying very hard to keep it somewhat stable. So way the hell out type of time zones may not be ideal. But, frankly, you’re in a better position to judge that than I am :)

• Be interested in some of the stuff that will shortly be written below this. After all, some amount of kink-overlap is probably advisable!

Right. 10K characters in. Half way there! Hang in there!

Anyway! Time for the final bits we gotta get through. First up: What the hell am I even looking for? Glad you asked, mysterious reader that may or may not exist! Let’s see, shall we?

In case you have already forgotten the title as well as the subreddit you’re in, let me state the obvious: I’m looking for a domme. Outrageous, I know. Said domme should be on the gentler side of things, although I’m not sure if that needs to be stated, as I doubt the leather and whip type people would ever find themselves down here in the first place. But if one does: There you go! She should have enough empathy for both of us, because I’m a cold logical asshat and need someone to occasionally kick said ass. But don’t touch the hat. While we’re on that topic, if you are someone who requires very strong displays of emotion, I’m probably not your guy, I just don’t speak that language at all. The icky emotion stuff is very much there, I can promise you that much, but forget expressing it, it’s just a bundle of fuzzy, chaotic energy and that’s all I can show you, I’m afraid you’ll have to translate it yourself. If you feel particularly brave I invite you to try and teach me, but I wouldn’t bet your life savings on it. Wouldn’t bet mine, either :P I’m willing to learn, I’m just really dense with this stuff :/ But hey, if you’re the creative kind I’m sure there is a carrot and stick type approach here that might work or at least be fun! Speaking of which: I love me some creativity. Tell me to spin in circles 5 times and I’ll love you. Well, you know, metaphorically speaking. Not because that’s awfully interesting, but because it’s something else and not the boring old stuff everyone and their dog does :P

Allllllllso, because I managed to have problems with this in the past, don’t play games. I had one woman who didn’t buy that I’m submissive because I didn’t “obey” her vague hints (there was no talk about actually “starting”, so to speak). So… that was pretty weird. Don’t do that. I don’t speak that language. Use actual words, please!

Other than that, I guess you should just kinda be into some of the things I’m into and then we can hopefully offer each other something of value. Because, as should be clear by now, I don’t have an awful lot else to offer. Unless you think I’m hilarious I guess, then there’s that. Doubt that’ll carry me though :P

Right. So. Selling time. I shall now attempt to sell you on my kinks, so I shall sneakily attempt to phrase them as an opportunity rather than a burden. And it will work it will totally work! … right?

I have a penis! Didn’t see that coming, did ya? It’s true though, it’s a thing. And since I’m going to boldly assume that that’s, at least partially, why you’re here, I shall offer just that! In other words, I offer an on-demand ownership override, which one lucky woman may use to temporarily own what’s otherwise out of reach: A penis! Available functions include:

• The ability to repulse or attract a hand. Will it be touched or will it not? With our exclusive ownership override, soon you could decide!

• Retract or expand on demand with our patented remote control: Words™. (Effectiveness and response time may very, remote technology not mature yet!)

• Ever wish you could just slap a dick? Well, you are in luck, with our ownership override you can slap it to your hearts content!

• Think the previous owner didn’t appreciate it enough? Try our revolutionary Ruined Orgasm (patent pending) approach! Even works multiple times!

• Or are you more the adventurous type? Why not show the previous owner how it’s done by employing the integrated Forced Orgasm function? Fun for the whole fami… okay, maybe that’s a bit far xD

Right, had my fun with that nonsense. Point is, you get to control my dick. See, doesn’t sound as cool, does it? Control over the rest of my body will be delivered as well, but that’s hardly talk for my marketing presentation, is it? In principle that includes on demand actions, pictures, videos and what have you. But, you know, don’t be too hasty :P

Now, I specifically said “temporary” because I’m really bad with looming threats. So, for instance, chastity? Not good. My brain will obsess about it and be incapable of thinking about anything else and it will be pure torture. You randomly going “no orgasm for you today” is one thing, but establishing that as a base rule would drive me crazy. And not the good kind of crazy. It’s probably one of those pesky ADHD type things, I can’t help it :/

Same goes for similar things, as soon as you make a looming threat out of it, my brain will torture me over it. Say, controlling my diet. Can’t be done this way, I’ll just get frustrated and then eat more as a result and tada, backfires. Not good. A soft rule would work much better. Say, “eat whatever you want but if you go over X calories there’s Y consequence”, with that consequence obviously not being utterly horrible, of course. Otherwise we’re just back at the same problem :P

But this is mostly only true for long term stuff, for things that are neatly contain in some specific time frame, it’s fine. Hope that made sense, it’s a bit tricky!

What else… Right, I’m extremely into casual commands, let’s call it. Imagine: We’re just casually chatting, lalala, nothing’s going on and then you suddenly, out of nowhere go “Go get hard. Now.” or some such. Will drive me crazy. And this time the good kind. Though it’s very important to me that you do that for your benefit, at least mostly. Don’t just throw stuff my way because I asked for it, that’s kinda missing the point :P Because at that point, who’s actually being the dominant one there, right? It’s kinda backwards!

Then there’s the creativity thing that I’ve mentioned earlier. If you are into creative little games or tend to build elaborate risk and reward scenarios or come at me with carrot and stick type deals – I might just marry you. Again, metaphorically. Probably. Point is: It’s good stuff! Not required, but good stuff! And, again, important, it’s something that you want, on your own. If you’re not into it, fine, don’t force it for my sake, that’s not what I’m here for. Throwing me a bone once in a while – sure – appreciated, but when I start getting the feeling that I’m not obeying all the random stuff because you want me to, but because you’re just giving me what I want – then the whole thing kinda breaks down :( Has happened before. Kinda sucks.

Right now I’m desperately trying to find something I can offer that isn’t offered by any random horny guy, since there’s an infinite supply of those on Reddit. But, truth be told, I’m having a hard time :/ No point hiding the simple fact, I’m a dude, I like a woman playing with my dick. Might be boring, but what can I say, I’m only a man! Well, in contrast to some of said horny dudes, I can at least offer this: I’m not here to do it once and I’m not here to jump into things with some random stranger. Submission is meaningless to me in a vacuum, a random stranger telling me to jump does nothing to me, gets a raised eyebrow, at best. Very, very different thing with someone I … fuck. Finish that sentence yourself, I kinda lost that one :( Wait. That is not the sentence lol. The “fuck” is me giving up, not part of the sentence!

Anyway, messing up the whole “keeping it short” thing again, majorly :( So, it’s probably faster to just list a few things I’m not into and you can just pretend that I’m into everything else, because I just might be! Or not. I’m awfully vanilla for these parts :/

Right. So things I’m really not a fan of:

• Degradation and humiliation. To me this whole submission thing is me giving you control over, well, me. If you just insult me all the time then I’m just going to be puzzled as to why you want me around in the first place and, to me, the whole thing just kinda stops making sense. If something happens to be degrading or humiliating, sure, we can talk about that. But if that becomes the whole point, I’m just lost.

• Anal. Not exactly a limit or anything, I’m apparently just missing the gene that makes one like it, have next to no interest in it the other way around either. Seems to me there is a perfectly fine hole that’s purpose built for this stuff, I kinda fail to see the point in inventing a new one, which is really not built for it :P

• Cumplay or any variation thereof. What can I say, vanilla-me strikes again. Don’t have that gene either, I’m just a straight dude and sperm just kinda doesn’t fit into that notion, it seems to boring old me.

• Pain. Tricky one. From where I’m coming from, when you have this deep desire to hurt me, something doesn’t seem quite right. But I’m not entirely oblivious to why people like it, so I’m selectively into it. Just don’t tear off my nipples and stay away from my balls (seriously people, what the fuck? Those suckers redefine the definition of pain x.X) and we’re probably good!

Those are probably the big ones, I’m afraid I’ll have to reserve any more specific for private chats, mostly because I can’t seem to think of anything more right now :P

Well. Didn’t really do a great job with the whole selling thing, did I? I’m afraid I don’t have an awful lot to offer, I don’t come with any exotic kinks, I’m not awfully good looking, my misbehaving brain makes the whole obedience thing a bit tricky at times and… something else, surely! But it’s all I got. I think offering someone your obedience is a pretty powerful thing, but with random horny dudes devaluing that so much I’m not sure how many people would agree with that these days :/ Not saying I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart, I’m a horny dude myself, alright. But a long term one! :P

Well. 20K characters. Not great, not terrible. Guess that’s it! You know, other than that one really important thing I forgot again :/