edit - to clarify, this is expressly f4F for a reason. Please respect that. I'm looking for a woman I can safely, anonymously explore these feelings with.
Edit 2 - i live in a small town, i've already moved towns once because I fucked up and shared pictures with the wrong person. Just looking to talk. Please?
...because down the rabbit hole I go. I've never been skinny. Not even when I was in school. Always made fun of, always ridiculed because I didn't care about being popular. I've always been what polite people call "bookish". Nerdy. Introverted. Shy. Whatever.
In the last few years all those things I've been called have crept their way into my fantasies, the little humiliations heaped on me, both subtle and overt - all those women over the years who've discovered what I'm really like, who've found those secrets and pressed them for all they're worth.
It's easy to take advantage of someone when you know how, when you open the door a crack it all comes spilling out.
It makes my guts quiver to think about it, I hate it but at the same time, the thought of a...I don't know how to say it, a better woman making fun of a frumpy, fat, flustered, ashamed, confused, old enough to know better woman... It makes me desperate, unsure, anxious.
Playing off those little insecurities when I know that I'm an otherwise independent, intelligent person makes the butterflies in my belly feel like albatross.
Does any of this make sense or am i just rambling into the darkness? I'm not really sure but if you think you are, please tell me. I've been away from this place trying to ignore all this but ~~ I think it's only getting harder. ~~ It's gotten to be impossible.
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