Fairly new to the community (longtime lurker, first post) so apologies if it's been asked a billion times.

I love thinking about and exploring the psychology behind different kinks. Part of me thinks they have to come from somewhere, but I also wonder if sometimes our brains are just "wired that way". I guess it's a 3rd order extrapolation of the nature vs nurture debate, and I think most wise people these days agree that in nature vs nurture the reality is somewhere in-between. I tend to think most kinks have a specific thing or things they can be traced back to, but the "nature" of our brains (just being wired that way) also contributes somewhat.

As my name suggests, I'm a huge switch (who also enjoys a lot of vanilla). Don't think I could live without either of the three "modes".

Vanilla is self-explanatory: it's what we're taught, what most people default to and how most people's earliest sexual experiences go. It's the way everyone feels "safe" fucking, especially with newer partners. Physically and logistically it tends to be the easiest. And many of the positions are quite comfy and good for feeling close to your partner.

Dom: I have great fun with this role, but it does always feel like I'm playing a role. I'm an actor, with a script. I think I'm a very good actor, but an actor nonetheless. When I'm a Dom I'm always "on," always thinking, always challenged (whether my partner is bratty or not - though my girl usually is). What's the next thing I can say or do to drive my partner wild? What are the things I shouldn't do while holding power over this particular partner? The power aspect is nice, but it's not why I like to Dom. I like it because I view it as a challenge. It's thinking man's (or woman's, or NB's) sex, like a chess-game. Know your partner deeply, figure out what they want, need, can take, can't take, in that moment. It feels so fulfilling to be a successful Dom. I feel so good about myself, like an artist sculpting a masterpiece. When I fall short, I feel a lot of guilt. I've never experienced sub drop, but I've definitely experienced Dom drop. The pressure is on when I'm Domming, but the self-esteem rewards of a good session are so so high. Getting the sexual gratification of my choosing at the end is a nice cherry on top, but it's a small part of the experience.

Sub: As a sub, I definitely start out acting or playing a role. Again, I have lots of fun with the role, but it still feels like I'm an actor following/improvising a script. But if I submit successfully (and only recently have I learned how to truly do that), I'm actually able to lose myself, turn off my brain and just be one thing - a giver of pleasure, a receiver of pleasure, a follower of specific orders. I suffer - and benefit - from a brain that almost never turns off. I can probably attribute a lot of my successes to it, but it also comes with anxiety, overthinking, second-guessing, and a ton of sleep issues. Only in the last few months have I been able to let go and finally understand what it means to enter "subspace". It doesn't work every time, but when it does, I am a giddy, giggling puddle of joy at the end. I work an intense and sometimes stressful job, so it's very nice to take orders instead of give them for a change. I feel brave, confident, proud, and closer than ever to my partner after a successful sub session. I usually end up getting off in one way or another when I sub (I have a very generous Domme), but the orgasm is even less important than when I Dom. The mental reward is the main gratification. Sometimes, I don't even get that aroused when I sub....

...okay that was a lie, I definitely get aroused. But for real, sometimes I don't even care that I'm aroused.

Exhibitionism/praise: I've always had a bit of an exhibitionist streak, though I worked really hard to repress it because I definitely felt like it was wrong or I'd get in trouble. Again only recently have I learned just how much positivity, joy, confidence, and pride I get from showing off my body and receiving a positive response. I love posting dirty pics/videos/stories and "showing off," and I enjoy doing it online way more than in person. Some of that might be anonymity and the safety that comes with it, and some of it may be the "naughty factor" of posting/sending nudes for random internet strangers.

Either way, I think it's pretty clear where this kink comes from. I never thought of myself as very attractive growing up. I was definitely a late bloomer. I also lost some weight in my early 20s and kinda stumbled into being hot around age 22/23. Unfortunately, I was also an insecure, uptight guy who came out as bi and received a not-so-great response at the time. Sprinkle on a bit of socially-learned toxic masculinity, and you have a recipe for repression on an epic scale. I sometimes feel like I wasted my hottest years being a self-absorbed douche obsessed with my "body count" of women, while refusing to explore my sexuality or kinks. I'm a bit older now and don't quite have the body I did during Obama's 2nd term (those were the days....) but I am more confident than ever and I have a ton of fun showing off my body and being a good little slut for (nice) random internet strangers.

Masochism: This is the kink I have the hardest time understanding. I truly don't know where it comes from. I have zero history of childhood abuse, sexual or otherwise. I had a great family and I never got spanked or physically punished. My pain tolerance in non-sexual/bdsm situations is quite pathetic. But gawd if I don't have a thing for being brutally abused in the bedroom. I don't have the accompanying sadism - I'll be rough with my partner if they want it, and I can even have fun with it, but only as a mechanism to please them - so I struggle to understand why I crave it so much. The power-exchange aspect has nothing to do with it. I actually hate the over-the-lap position, and hate feeling like a little kid being punished. It even scares me a bit sometimes. I truly don't know where my limits are, if I even have them. I made a post on another sub some time ago and the best answer I can come up with is simply the release of endorphins/adrenaline upon getting hit, and the complex interplay between pain and pleasure in the brain. I used to think that I was just a spankster, but I've learned recently that I love other forms of pain too. I've actually burst out into uncontrollable laughter in-between brutal hits, just cause I feel so damn good! I definitely need to explore this kink more, but I'm a little scared/appalled.

Bondage/sensory deprivation: Perhaps because I'm a pretty big guy, this is the only time I actually feel powerless, especially since my partner is a woman. Even when I'm subbing and the mental power dynamic is very powerful, I always know in the back of my mind that I can resist. But when I'm rightly tied-up, and especially when I'm blindfolded or otherwise impaired, there is truly nothing I can do. I admit we don't have the most advanced equipment (just a simple pair of handcuffs) but pairing well-prepared bondage with full submission is the one time I actually feel powerless, and the power-play dynamics really take front & center.

Conversely, when I'm Domming and my girl is tied up, I know she can't be a brat or really fight back. I also know (because we have discussed it beforehand) that she's consented to be used and abused as I see fit. The few times we've actually done this, are the few times I've allowed myself to really reach into my animal-brain and act out my most intense sexual fantasies, safe in the knowledge that I'm doing it with my partner's safety and consent.

Honorable mention - consent: Just feel like I have to acknowledge this one. Back in the day I didn't really get those "Consent is sexy" signs/t-shirts/bracelets. I knew consent was important, but I didn't quite get how it could be sexy. But once I entered a serious relationship with a person I love, and we decided to open the relationship to both kinks and other partners, did I really grasp why it's such a profound statement. Kinks and play and sexual adventurism is super hot and fun, and if you're single, you don't have to worry about a thing! But if you're partnered-up and going behind your partner's back, there is a sad, heavy, dirty (not in a good way) feeling that follows you around, and kills the vibe in whatever scene or play you partake in. I know I could never enjoy any of the dirty things I do without my partner's knowledge and affirmative consent. When she throws up limits, I have to respect them. Putting the significant ethical considerations aside, I know my feelings toward anything I do without my partner's consent would be deeply tainted, and practically impossibly to enjoy. The fact that I have her consent allows me to be my most depraved, slutty and freaky self, while still feeling unbelievably wholesome:)

And that about does it for my primary kinks. I feel like I could do a whole other post on my turn-offs and where they come from, but I don't want to kink-shame anyone who does enjoy them. I'm curious to hear about your kinks and where you think they originate from - or any thoughts you have about mine!