So, a recent event got me thinking about past relationships and their modes of failure. It created a question that I'd like to throw out to all of you for further insights.

The question in brief is: how do subs in successful relationships avoid having their "fear of disappointing my dom" lead to them freezing into doing nothing except what is directed, i.e. loss of initiative.

For a bit more background, I have never considered myself particularly harsh or fear-inducing. I have wondered if I come off as more aggressive than I am, but I really doubt that. Instead, I have been considering that this is a result of me being extremely "particular". I've been told that I'm intimidating, not because I'm aggressive, but because I'm "good at things".

I have "a way" of doing things - nearly everything, in fact, has "a way" that I do it. Most people who are like this are rather rigid about it. If asked, I can in fact tell you *why* I do it that particular way. By contrast, I am always on the lookout for a better way of doing things. If shown a better way, I'll switch (this is how I started typing dvorak after 10 years of qwerty). If someone else does things a different way, I am happy to keep my thoughts to myself, as long as I'm not involved. I consider it borderline unethical to kibitz, especially for a sub trying to serve.

The recent events conspired to make me wonder if my precision has led my previous subs to feel nervous about disappointing me, and then to "freeze" into not doing anything that I have not specifically ordered them to do, merely because the volume of information is too large, and they do not want to disappoint me.

An example may clarify - my best guy friend was hesitant to cook for me, for the better part of a decade of friendship, because he knows how good of a cook I am, and how picky I am about the food I make. My last sub felt the same. Neither cooked for me out of not understanding that I love being cooked for, and would in fact be delighted with anything; that my pickiness is applied only to myself unless I am invited to give my opinion.

Somehow I cannot effectively communicate that initiative is more important to me than "avoiding disappointment". And, if it's really that worrying to her, she could always just ask and learn my "way".

So ... is this a product of being unlucky in not finding subs whose impulse to serve overrides her fear of "failure", or do I need to find a way of mitigating my particularity? Any subs who have struggled with this? How did you get over it?