So, I know there is technically an official way to crosspost, but it's not something I do so I'm not sure how. I made a post in SubSanctuary on "green flags in CNC" and was requested that I share here as well.

I have seen an uptick in posts recently demonstrating CNC red flags, abuse, boundary breaking, etc... in various BDSM Subreddits, so I wanted to share my communication and scene GREEN flags around CNC play. I realized recently as I was reading these posts just how much of the play I do is technically CNC even though I don't always think of it that way. I want to encourage my fellow subs who are curious about/interested in such play to understand that it can be hot, and sexy, and safe, and empowering to do so.

CNC at it's core is NOT abuse. CNC does NOT mean ignoring safewords. CNC does NOT mean not having a safeword, and I say this as a TPE slave. CNC means ignoring "no"/"stop"/"plain English" or whatever you have pre-negotiated to ignore, with a backup method existing to still be able to revoke consent. Because at it's core CNC is CONSENSUAL.

I will start with my dynamic with my Owner, we've been together almost 7 years now. 5 I have worn His collar. From the outside looking in someone might say I "have no limits" with him. This is not the truth however, but His limits of what He is willing to do to me, is a smaller circle than the limits of what I would be willing to do for Him. So from the outside looking in I may appear to not have limits, but the reality is we spent years talking, and it's just that He gets no where near them.

Despite all this, despite our free-use, TPE dynamic, despite that I "don't have the right to say no to Him" that DOES NOT mean He ignores my no. It means that it's another piece of information for Him to make a decision on what to do with me. If I'm for example "saying no to sex because I'm 'too tired' " meh, that doesn't matter in the scheme of our CNC, he wants sex, he's getting sex. If I'm saying "slow down" and crying because anal is hurting, He is going to back out and grab some lube and guide me through some deep breathing exercises to relax because while He fully intends to use me this way, I am His most prized possession and He does not wish to injure me, and that pain response is important feedback for Him to not break "His toy".

My "no" is seen as the most valuable piece of information I can give Him precisely because it is the information of "if you weren't you, my consent would be revoked right now. I am only still doing this because I trust you to realize WHY I am saying no, and to make informed decisions for the both of us"

I have other partners I have engaged in CNC with as well. These have required greater communication because they are play partners that I only see in person 3-4 times a year in some cases. I will never forget my conversations with one of them before my first time meeting him in private, and discussing CNC play. We had only played together once in public at this point, and I knew some of his other partners. I saw the pictures from his play, and I asked him first; "are you a sadist? why do you cause pain? is it something you enjoy for pain's sake? or something you only enjoy because the bottom is enjoying it?"

Which led to our first discussions around CNC, and me asking him what it was he enjoyed about CNC. I expressed to him my fears, I am a slight, disabled AFAB individual that was meeting up with a 6.5 foot tall AMAB dude to play in private, and the truth was I was scared. I had heard other answers on this from others, answers that scared me, answers about "being able to take what you want" or "not being able to be stopped" "causing pain/injury/harm just because you can" etc... red flags. His answer: "that question requires nuance. I am not a sadist, though my partners would disagree. But for me it's not about pain, though sometimes that overlaps. It's about trust, and vulnerability. Someone putting themselves at the mercy of my whims, and trusting me to do what I want. That's extremely hot. plus I enjoy the physical struggle, and feeling like I'm overwhelming my 'victim'." and then, he continued with his reassurances, he thanked me for vocalizing my fears, and reminded me that there was ALWAYS time to change our plans, even in the moment, and that as much as this was about me trusting him, that I could stop things at any time.

I was still terrified meeting up with him. And I will never forget that scene, especially those CNC green flags during our play. The first came when I hit the point of my first "please, no. stop" the first time I had ever uttered this sentence with him in a CNC context, and he paused, and he walked around to face me, and pulled my face up to look into his eyes, and said simply "You do understand 'please, no. stop.' is not a safeword correct?" that was the moment I melted into trust. I actually burst out with the biggest laughing grin in my agreement. The next moments were some of my later instances of "please... no..." I had myself muffled into a washcloth to try to keep quiet so no one at the hotel would call security or something. and in that muffled state he couldn't tell if I had said "no" or "yellow", and each time he paused, pulled the washcloth out of my mouth, and said "what did you say? I thought I heard yellow", and confirmed that I had not, and I was good, before continuing.

Next came at my first yellow. it was simply "yellow: that toy", and there was no quibble, there was no comment, I simply heard the toy drop to the floor out of reach. The next was my second yellow. "yellow: I need to breathe" I was overstimmed. I was experiencing so much adrenaline and endorphins I couldn't figure out which way was up. I was dizzy and spinning. I was confused. The blows were happening so quick that I couldn't recover between them. I didn't want to stop, but I needed a momentary break. I sat up, I breathed deeply, he placed a hand on my back and watched me closely. I felt guilty for safewording. I apologized for stopping him. I almost started to cry, and he pulled my face to look at him and simply said "why are you apologizing for having limits and boundaries?" He observed me as I sat there breathing heavy, trying to process what was happening, and he did not return to beating me after that break, but made the decision seeing me to shift our play to other activities.

I did not need to red from that scene. He observed my no's, he observed my yellows, he observed my reactions, and he adjusted and moved, he found where he could take what I was giving him, and where he didn't want to push and break me.

In another instance, with a different partner, the green flag came from my "red". We were text based CNC playing as we are long distance. We were both 100% hot and bothered and enjoying ourselves. When something he said, that normally would have been fine, for some reason on this night hit a little too close to home on an old trauma trigger. I still don't fully know why it happened. I can't explain why my brain reacted the way it did. But I broke in that moment. I texted him back "red, trauma flashback" and immediately his reaction was to switch to aftercare. To direct me to water, to ask me if I wanted to talk, to ask me if I needed a call. To offer to listen, or give space, whatever I needed in that moment. I cried, I apologized, I tried to beat myself up. He refused to let me. He THANKED me for safewording. He THANKED me for communicating with him. He THANKED me for feeling safe and trusting him that I knew I could safely speak up. He added what triggered me to his list of things to not ever say to me again. He worked me back up to human. He sat with me as long as I needed.

With this same partner I had a different text based CNC scene that went very very very well during the scene. And very very very dark. Into play that I won't specify as it is on many hard limits lists. We finished our scene... and I broke harder than I expected at enjoying this scene. I felt bad/dirty/horrible/wrong for enjoying this scene. He again immediately dropped everything and called me though we hadn't been intending on a phone call. Directed me to water, sugar, blanket, and sat with me. We talked as equals as I cried, and processed, and he virtually held me as much as he could over the phone until I was spent and couldn't cry or talk anymore. He virtually tucked me into bed with my favorite stuffie, and checked on me first thing in the morning.

On to the lighthearted and silly side of things, where I realized what things I do are technically CNC but I don't always realize it.

- A partner telling me they are going to punish me for not taking a shower.

- A partner telling me I'm not allowed to run away and hide from them telling me good things about me.

- A partner telling me I'm not allowed to skip meals as a way to self harm.

- A partner telling me I need to call the doctor for my meds. I don't have a choice.

- A partner telling me I need to drink water, and brush my hair, and stop beating myself up over "perfection"

- A partner telling me that instead of apologizing constantly that I should shift to "thank you" instead.

- A partner telling me they are planning a scene where they strap me down and have people walk by and compliment me and praise me (my response "that will get me to red quicker than you beating me" with their response back "I know")

These are my green flags. Communication. Openness. Not being made to feel guilty when things go tits up. Trust. Being able to laugh at yourself. Feeling good about saying "yes I'm enjoying this" even in the same breath you are saying "no, please stop". Check-ins. Validation. Assurance.