I was just a teenager-barely legal. I thought I was savvy by then. I'd been talking to men online for a while, screening them carefully to make sure they were safe.

One day, I started chatting with him on a BDSM site-maybe FetLife. I'd always been curious about rough sex, and I wanted to try anal. We talked things through like boundaries and safe words in detail, and everything was agreed upon with my full consent.

I'd leave my parents' house, walking up the street to the park where he'd be waiting. When I saw his car, l'd climb in. I'd lift my sundress, slide off my panties, and hand them to him, waiting for further instructions.

When the moment came and I climbed into his car, trembling, he took my panties from me, sniffed them, and held them in his hand as if he were savoring them, as if they were a token he was keeping.

He pulled out his cock-long and thick, probably seven inches. My eyes widened as I imagined how I would take him in my ass. To start, he shoved my mouth down onto his cock, roughly fucking my throat. His hand stroked my hair as he murmured that I was pretty, talking about how he was going to enjoy ruining me, claiming me.

When he was ready, he put a condom on, then told me to open my mouth. I obeyed, and he took my panties, placing them into my mouth. They were light pink.

He started by fucking my young, tight cunt. The groan that escaped him when he entered me made me oddly proud, even amid the rush of adrenaline and my pounding heart. I was dripping with desire, fear and need.

Without warning or mercy, he shifted, and in one movement, every inch of him slid into my ass, to the hilt. It felt as though he was tearing me apart, the sting intense as he stretched me with no preparation. My body wasn't ready, but the wetness from my pussy was all that kept me from being split in two. I screamed, but his hand quickly moved up to my mouth, smothering my cries with the panties I had given him earlier. Tears welled up in my eyes, spilling down my cheeks.

The pain was unlike anything l'd ever known. It was terrifying, excruciating-but at the same time, there was a twisted pleasure in it. Even as I wanted it to stop, I couldn't deny that I loved it.

In that moment, I couldn't have remembered a safe word if you offered me a billion dollars and a pony. And he didn't check, nor did I expect him to. He was too lost in the act, luxuriating in my pain and the regret he could surely see in my eyes. I could see it in his hungry gaze as he continued, pushing deeper, feeling the tension of my body as he tore into me.

He dug his fingers into my mouth and pulled out the panties, shoving them into his pocket and then shoved my mouth back onto his cock, dripping with sexual fluids and a bit of blood. I gagged as he fucked my throat, slapping me lightly and holding me down as I struggled to breathe, wanting to pull away.

When he came, it was all over my face. He told me to walk home like that. No aftercare, no reassurance. I was left feeling used, discarded. I was in such a state I could not even be bothered to wipe his cum off my face before I went back to my house. I rushed inside, practically running up to my bathroom to vomit, then took a long shower and cried.

It only later occurred to me that I couldn’t have used a safe word with panties in my mouth, even had I remembered to.