This one goes out to all the anxious election Twitter lurking girlies. To the girls who go for the throat when arguing with their racist uncle for Thanksgiving, who show up for protests and just canceled the WaPo subscription they got back in 2017 when we all thought American journalism was worth saving!

I see you. I love you. I think you deserve a chance to turn off your brain, and trust that your pleasure and pain are in my hands. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

Allow me to introduce myself: I’m your new dom. Your new master. Your daddy. Or, the monster from your nightmares. Or not. Probably not, but we can still be friends. Ain’t a big deal.

I hear it’s Brat Girl Summer, and all I want to do is put you in your place and find all the ways I can make you scream and squeal.

In my normal, non-reddit, non-throwaway life, I’ve Got My Shit Together. I’m a professor at formerly at a small liberal arts college in the middle of Trumpistan. Now, I write full time and run my own business. I spend a lot of time reading, writing, and ignoring panicked emails from my former students asking for recommendations.

In fact, I just came back from a tropical destination wedding and I’m looking to procrastinate writing some of those recommendations. Here’s a secret—your professors love to procrastinate just as much as you do, if not more.

I’ve got a beard and a bunch of tattoos, and I look great in a sweater vest. Boom. Done deal. See you on your knees, slut.

What? You want more? Needy thing, arentcha?

I’ve been involved with BDSM to varying degrees since college. As a dom, I’m affectionate, fun-loving, affirming, and sadistic. My style is to balance compliments with degradation, pleasure with pain—I’ll tease you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear while my cock tears your ass apart, tell you what a perfect, gorgeous girl you are while you spread yourself wide or choke yourself for me, remind you how absolutely drop-dead sexy you are before going out for the night and order you to skip the panties while you’re at it. I like to be rough, I like to be filthy, and I’ll try most things once, so if you’ve got something weird you’re into, lay it on me. Scat is my only hard limit. And is it that hard of a limit? I dunno, maybe you’ll convince me.

As a sub… Man, I super respect people who can, but I just can’t. I’ve tried a few times and it’s always felt forced—kind of like playing peekaboo with a kid. Like, okay, we’ll do this for a few minutes, just until we can get to the good stuff (you on your knees/nap time; sorry for mixing this up with childcare, forget I embarked on this metaphor train).

Other things about me: I spend a lot of my day reading and writing and teaching. I tend to be pedagogical by nature, so if you’re down for stupid mini-lectures on the history of the horror paperbacks or Irish history—let’s rock and roll. Besides that, my hobbies include making plans to go to work out and then never going, endless reruns of SVU and HG TV, Godzilla movies, and a whole bevy of other really attractive and profitable interests.

What about you? You should be, let’s say, under forty-five, female (sorry, lads), intelligent, and fun. I like sassy and sweet. I don’t mind a challenge, but I also love a partner who’s eager to please. I want you beautiful in some way, with “beautiful personality” taking precedent over “beautiful body but shitty personality,” if that makes sense.

You should also be enthusiastic and engaged. Give me something to work with. Give me some energy, and I’ll pay you back five times over.

And what do I want? I’m a pretty busy guy, and I just want to have some fun—at least in the short term. I’ve got a pretty public facing position, and like a lot of people in situations like that with very… particular… interests, I find dating is hard. Orders, tasks, pictures, fantasies, and sexting—give me something fun to come back to when I’m not wrangling students!!

And if you’re local, I’d love to meet up and work something dark and kinky with you. Especially if you’re into CNC. I’ve done that before, and it’d be an understatement to say I’ve been craving it all summer.

Also, just tossing this out there: if you voted for Trump, I’d love to hatefuck you, so let’s make America hard again