It's gluten for punishment. Okay, that was bad, but I also had one about breaking bread that was probably worse. I do like making fresh bread every once in a while though, and bad puns. You'll probably request the spankings start just to get the puns to stop.

So as much as I joke, if you ask me what I'm looking for, a Saturday spent getting messy in the kitchen, kneading some dough together sounds like a fun time. You make fun of the fact I never actually use the measuring implements, and in return I leave a floury hand print on your sweatpants. The dough is partitioned into little rolls, and we find ourselves with a bit of time as the dough proves.

Whatever will we do? So I like to leave the more explicit stuff for later, but let's just say that, to start with, I'm of the opinion there are two sets of buns that I would enjoy 'knocking back'.

If that sounds like something you want, drop me a message or chat. Typical deal-breakers, hard limits, and a little about me is below.

I'm looking for something in the context of a long term relationship, short of permanent total power exchange, but not bedroom only. I require oral, including ingestion of semen, verbal and physical humiliation and degradation, as well as openness to anal and watersports. Hard limits are multiple male, anything likely to cause permanent damage and non-consenting third parties.

I'm 40, 5'9" (175cm), overweight, not religious, never want children, and don't smoke. Blondish/brown hair. Recent clean STI test. Happy to share pictures once I'm convinced you aren't going to take my kidneys. My family is important to me, as is my work as a research scientist. Friends are important too, they are mostly scattered around the world and I need to be able to make time for them.

I enjoy composing music, modelling and animating in 3D using a program called blender, playing video games with my friends from around the world. Bavaria is a favourite travel destination for me, high places, beautiful lakes and forests. A history nerd, second century Rome is my favourite time period. I prefer small group events to say a disco.

Your level of experience is unimportant, as are your looks, height or weight. Your interests probably don't matter, so long as you are passionate about something. You like cuddles and attention and are masochistic or enjoy receiving pain to please your partner. Good communication and curiosity are highly valued.