I had a horrible trip during a two day ayahuasca retreat. The second day of aya was a nightmare, you can read my previous post in this sub for a detailed experience. After a very intense horrible day after (the day I wrote the post) I got back home, and the moment the plane landed, I started crying and realized how much I have in my life to be grateful for. The gratitude lasted only a few days, and then I felt total internal chaos. I felt like everything I already worked through during therapy came up to the surface again, stronger. I slipped back into my old ways and felt very confused as to what's been happening. I had a session with an integration therapist (whom I highly recommend) who suggested I relived my abuse on ayahuasca, and I realized she was right. I didn't make the connection at the time, because there were no visions and none of my abusers came to mind during, but it was all the same bodily sensations. Disocciation, wanting it to stop, someone wanting to take something from me, my senses being overwhelmed, and the intense feeling of having to protect myself. It was six hours of hell followed by intense feelings of desperation the next day.

The therapist suggested to do EMDR therapy on it, and I reached out to a girl from a group I'm part of on facebook because I knew she's done it. I told her about my trip and my feelings, and her having done tons of EMDR (which also targets the subconscious) had amazing pointers on what the feelings I'm feeling could be, how to feel them, how to notice my body more. Since then I notice everything so much more. I notice the ways I am contributing to things in my life that I'm dissatisfied with. I've been in therapy (CBT) for a year before ayahuasca, and cognitively I worked through a lot of that already, but what I realized is that my body still carries all the trauma that I consciously worked through. I might know consciously and cognitively can recognize how I had no part in it, but ayahuasca brought up that at a belief and feeling level I still carry shame and guilt and the trapped energy ever since.

I had a very intense realization the other night - I have this belief that nothing ever works out for me, and for an hour I could feel the opposite: that things will work out for me! I wasn't consciously aware that I had this belief, let alone that I was carrying this feeling inside me, but once I felt the opposite it was like putting down a heavy backpack I didn't even know I was carrying. It made me realize how much of my time is spent on finding reasons and proof on how things won't work out for me, but it also gave me a small identity crisis lol I haven't managed to get back the good feeling ever since, but I hope with EMDR I will be able to make that feeling the new normal. It's still a work in progress, and doing EMDR will definitely be hard work! I'm nowhere near healed, but I'm working on it! Ayahuasca is not easy neither is it a magical solution, but I'm sure it helped me get to a point where I can work through the root of my issues at a very deep level.

I wanted to write this post for anyone who's struggling after a difficult trip. Ayahuasca is not always gentle, and sometimes it brings up more than you think you can handle. Ask for help! Check in with a therapist (I can totally recommend the one I saw, she was awesome and compassionate) and find a (good!!!) EMDR therapist. Be gentle, there's reason behind the chaos, it just sometimes takes some time to find it.