There was a long period of stagnancy and frequent emotion instability that'd ebb and flow in and out off me due to boundaries being infiltrated, friends projecting their wounds on me, women that i hadn't been able to be loved back by and havoc from childhood. I would get these winter blues that were inevitably strong and some were in the late spring. I had been unable to shift myself internally and was looping habitual detriments affecting my mind, body, and inner peace. I felt the inner calling to take the leap since the leap to drink aya when I was 18 in 2017 but never occurred. I felt it was time.

I went on a facebook group, had several different facilitators and I see a post in my state that I comment and receive a message from Altair. He asks for my email of course for encryption, and says "Madre is calling you!". I replied with "haha really?" and says "they say when you're ready, Madre finds you. I believe this to be true". I was screened through a phone call and they (him and his girlfriend) both seemed very chill and were very open minded.

May was great timing. It was right before my birthday and I would be transitioning into my favorite season being summer just in time for the high times of my life. I proceed to give them a 30% deposit and was locked in. I had to just focus on the dieta and set myself off from habits that was straying me away from my highest good for example, oversleeping, excessive League of Legends gaming and meaningless lust filled casual sex.

On the week of I had eat very simplistic foods as being on the dieta was very foreign to me and I wasn't a good cook yet. I remember eating brown rice and black beans often with some eggs here and there. I was lightbodied from lack of sufficient sustenance and was doing my best to not eat bullshit.

My dad checks my car, I check my google maps. ETA says 3 hours and 33 minutes to arrive from home. I was always deep in angels numbers and know I was being divinely guided despite the what ifs and doubts of getting there.

I journeyed safely and arrived about 30 minutes before the threshold time. I was unsure it was the right house because the directions to get through the dirt road path was new and I wanted to make sure i wasn't going to knock at the wrong house and be embarrassed. I wait a bit in my car and eventually get out. This guy in a hatchback pulls up and I ask him if he's here for the event. He agreed and he says he's been here before, about 20 times, and we proceed to walk through the arced white entry way into the porch and in the house.

The warming presence hit a wave of tranquility, like a cabin warmth in an Alaskan getaway. I was holding a bag of quinoa and hand it to Katrina (shaman's girlfriend). I felt out of place in a sense and tense, we were all in the living room and all circled themselves on a mat/sleeping bag in prep for the night.

I was offered a sleeping bag to lay my back on the hardwood floor, I denied and Altair insisted with a push of love that'd it would be softer on my bones. I laid out my metaphysical goodies (crystals and necklaces) and wait for the 9 p.m. mark for commencement.

The room was well candle lit like an inner pyramid room with the light of lanterns keeping the sight alive. I didn't write my intentions, I winged it as the bottle came to me. I remember saying, with lack of a throat chakra, I'd like to be my authentic self and let go of any setbacks that aren't for my greatest good. I turned the bottle upside down and upright, washing it anew within.

First timers were first on the go around, I was 2nd among 3 first timers. I came up for my first shot, I was scared. It smelled like a strong coffee tea, I drank it all what felt like rough brew that stimulated the inner tissues of my mouth. It tasted better than expected. Katrina asked, "what did it taste like?" I said, "it was good, better than I expected, I read on reddit that it would taste like a dead bird." The whole circles let out a hearty laugh and I return to my mat.

I confidently went in, laying in meditation pose, hoping that I wouldn't throw up too soon. The circle continues to receive their doses in clockwise manner after first timers have gone. I'm feeling light and I'm making an effort to not purge early as i feel the sensitivities in my gastrointestinal tract. As i purged, my hands were filled with so much vibration/light, I was purging a lot in my lymphatic system as it was like very saliva like and white.

I knew I was in for a deep journey. After my purge it was difficult to breathe as there was a lot of mucus that got caught in my nasals and had not known that Hape could cure that til' the 2nd day. While i was in, there was this shadow within me that rose, it was of feminine nature. I was hearing this energy and it was like a let down sort of energy, hard to describe. Katrina was banging on a drum with a furry mallet, and I swore that my heart was going to explode by the intensity of bass that had been amplified under medicine space. Visions of plants had fueled my vision, beautiful and vivid more so like lsd. I was sprayed with rose water and felt like I was being planted, bloomed. In retrospect, this was foretelling the exponential growth I was going to be going through. I was being checked on from time to time and i remember Katrina saying I can ask Madre any questions I wanted, she looked fine but from my subjective toxicity I viewed her as Velma from scooby-doo with a touch of crazy. I managed to lay in my mat but unable to remain still. It was so intensely flowing throughout my vessel. I was humping the air on my side and this was probably the lustful energy within me.

As the night started to die out, I was receiving a vast amount of insights after everyone had been going off to sleep, for some reason this happened and to this day I believe maybe it was because of the depth that my heart was open at. The morning after, I had felt like my anxiety was being observed. It was there, but not in any control or didn't flood my vessel. The group gathered in the dining room and we were talking about our intense night. Altair had asked me how the night went. I said how I was receiving a lot of insights and he states that's what we come here for, for messages. I remember telling him how I was having a lot of thoughts from the past come up. He had gave me an ear but I was too closed off to continue the conversation.

Breakfast made and we headed off to the living room while others went outside. I was laying down in my mat and Altair was near me. He had been showing off some of his songs that he rapped to. It was awesome to see him freestyle as i was into rap at that time. I had played him a beat on my phone and he was really digging it until i had told him that i crafted it, he started to make sense of his verse. Katrina lays on top of him like couples do and proceeds to give him a kiss. A part of me didn't to see this as to appealing, it was my inner loneliness/desire to be loved. I had fallen asleep unintentionally while trying to meditate and wake up an hour before ceremony, I showered and came back down to the circle.

When it was night 2, Altair states how I seem more energetically relaxed as I was wearing loose adidas pants and a long sleeve. I was prepared to deeper healing. I cannot recall what my intentions were, but I knew one of them was to reveal any secrets that were hidden. This was the night of the Scorpio Super Moon. The rhythm of the medicine circle was magical. There were times when participants would be making whistle noises and tongue snapping noises in unison. To my perception this was soul expressions. I had been observing it and at one time was humming OM from a soft tone to a very high. I could feel the healing i was giving out and the frequency being received graceful by others. I had stood up and started having a reluctant dance against the wall. My inner child had come out to play but i was too afraid of critical views and insecurities. The moment i had gone to bathroom i was in a different world. I remember looking at the candle and manifesting something by quietly yelling at it and letting the pulse of my breath push it. My hands were banging on the walls from the euphoria and I had been yelling in ecstasy because I hadn't felt true happiness like this in such a while. I had purged into the sink and gone back to my mat. I had this inner shiver, feeling out of place. I had asked Katrina for some Hape and was my first time receiving it. She blew it to my left nasal for the feminine side first, I had blown air through my nostril and made it revert into her mouth. She says "you rooked it" and I was like "what does that mean" and she said "you fucked up" followed by "just kidding". She proceeds to repack the tepi and loads into my left nostril. I felt the burn so heavily and in a short span does the right nostril. An immediate wave of feeling grounded and clarity along with calmness hits my energy. This was the start of me using Hape. I had gone to the couch in isolation, and heard ayahuasca speak. It was the most gentle, soothing, nurturing voice that i have ever heard. I don't remember what she said but it was very peaceful that night.

I had been unable to sleep after everyone had ventured off to the dream state. I thought i was still soberly on it, for some reason it felt like that and sleeping was not possible due to my thoughts still being heavily active. I just meditated away pretending to be asleep until the sun was so bright that late spring morning. A rising to fresh fruit was served and a couple of participants had ate breakfast. I was up in the room laying on a cot, in my own space feeling a sense of peace. There was a group picture being taken and i was so hesitant to go and join the family setting. I had fought myself to go despite the fear i was immersed in, I walked inevitably until i got there. Katrina sees me and says "there you are!" After pictures had been taken, participants had gone home because 2 days is all they needed.

I was contemplating on staying for a third day. I had told Altair that i'd like to stay the last night and not take any aya. He had explained how the ego tends to stare at others that are journeying and that can disrupt their experience. I was thinking about going home, it fueled me with anxiety, I had thought about staying. It made me feel so calm and at ease. I told Katrina about this and she had suggested that I stay. I was in for the 3rd night uncertain about what was going to happen.

The night came and I had such a odd experience beforehand getting into the intention setting. It was like if i was observing what was going on without any control of what was going outside of my immediate experience. When the bottle came to my side for intention setting, I wholeheartedly went around the circle and had been hugging and thanking everyone. They felt like famliy to me, the saviors, figures I didn't have to provide me the love to save me from childhood upbringings.

When it was time to set intentions, I had said "I want to see the visions Capital Steez saw before he died". Whom was a suicidal death and legendary rapper i followed and opened up my spiritual path in high school. Altair says "Be careful what you wish for, Madre will give it to you". I immediately say "no not those intentions" . I had forgot my intentions on day 3. I had taken my shot and was back at my mat. The come had came strong, when you have aya coursing through your vessel for 2 days, the 3rd one is profoundly potent.

I could not handle what i was experiencing. I remember going to the bathroom and looking in the mirror, there was so much pain in my trapezoids that my neck was compressed downward. I had kept saying to myself "no more acid" as if it was my inner child exclaiming it. This was at the time from the LSD trauma that i had endured on a night that sent me into terror. I sat on the toilet and i was receiving waves of memories where my inner child was in distress. The main one was when I'd get daily tacos from my father, about 4-6, that i would eat with a savory hot sauce and caused me to gain a lot of weight. I had felt like a parasite wanted to come out when i tried to poop but it felt like nothing came out. I had gone out to the bathroom and sat on my mat, received some Hape but was unable to have it go through as i was so reluctant. At some point I had said "FUCK YOU!" to Katrina when she asked me to clean the mess in the sink I've done. Later after the music stopped there was silence in the air, but the silence was so loud by a ringing from the higher realms it was driving me insane. I had gone away from the circle. onto the dining room couch and laid there. It was a personal hell, every moment felt like a massive resistance and felt like I was unable to think a positive thought. Thoughts flooded me like "the sun is radiation" "I'm being fried right now" "i shouldn't had taken too much ayahuasca". I tried my best to be sober already but it felt like an eternity. B comes to me and towards the end of my experience asks me how i was doing. I have a talk about him how I had been avoiding self love and he tells me how he can't keep girls off him from so much self love. I was sobering up and felt a wave of tranquility. Altair comes to me and says how i left the circle but it was a personal choice. We head off to sleep to water/rainforest sounds and I still was unable to sleep.

Morning after eggs were made along with pancakes, chia pudding and banana ice cream. I had asked Altair for a talk outside. I had so much emotions flowing through me I didn't know how to start. He asked what i saw in the bathroom and told him how the tacos i ate made me really fat. He had said "You were pissed" and tell him other personal things I had experienced at birth and infant stages. He had teared a leaf from a tree above us and showed me the face of it. Told me how I was turning onto a new chapter in my life and the past was behind me and turned the leaf over. I was overwhelmed and uncertain about the fresh start. Katrina comes by and was holding a pancake pan. Altair asked me to apologize to her from the night before and I did.

I had dived into the breakfast and this was the best food I had ever tasted. I had enjoyed eating with a deep pleasure once again. I remember exclaiming how this was paradise and felt so grateful. A participant in the circle plays the song, "Have You Ever Seen The Rain by The Credence" and immediately my heat was full. This song brought me to tears and the passion I felt was immense. I had felt passion once again and my emotions were flowing. Later I had asked Altair if he knew what I was feeling and he knew. I was feeling like I didn't want to go back home at all, to my parents. He told me to see them with the eyes of love. Packing up and setting the living back, I had felt like i was stalling. He states how he wish he had the opportunity to stay longer but he has a lot of work and cleaning to do. When I was walked to my car, i got in and felt unsure about driving back as if i was still on aya. I asked him about the MAOIs and he said they only last about 6 hours. Still unsure about getting home on a 3 hour drive and 3 days of aya, muscle memory takes over and I have an ecstatic ride back listening to my favorite songs and smelling the different atmospheres through different cities with my senses enhanced.