I started doing ayahuasca with my best friend who I ended up falling in love with and I learned a lot about myself. I really felt like my depression and anxiety was getting better. Now that I've lost this friend (we are no longer friends, but they're still around), I feel like I need to do ayahuasca again without his presence there. I still have pretty severe depression and panic attacks and I don't want to use ayahuasca as a cure, but I am curious to know if it will benefit me. I've always attached ayahuasca to this friend who I have loved for years and I am worried about doing it without him. But I just am thinking it will help me get over him and move on with my life. I feel like I will always be in love with him and I'm truly heartbroken that he doesn't want to be with me. Right now I have an unhealthy infatuation with him so maybe my call for aya is only to get closer with him in a way? Is it wrong of me to want to be closer with him? I was hoping the medicine would be a solution for this, but I also don't want to go for the wrong reasons.

At the same time, I feel like there is a world I have yet to see, I understand that I should be so grateful for myself and yet here I am feeling so stagnated. I feel lost and some days I just want to quit my job and move away. I feel like there's a void left in my soul and nothing seems to fill it. Last time I went through ceremony, the shaman told me that I had a block and I actually tried to run away from the maloca and they had to chase after me and grab me to keep me safe (it's a bit of blur now). I fear this may happen again but I'm already going crazy just being at home- going through life on autopilot. I feel like I'm about to snap and I don't know when it's going to come. I'm hoping the medicine will help me feel less lost in life. and more focused on what I need to do.