I'm between the in-between

My shadow self lied to me, I let him without me knowing.

I severed the tether to the divine. It grew back without me seeing.

I'm crashing between the torrents of light and dark as I have opened the gates.

I could only open the gates once I found the key. I looked forever and found no key. I realised I was the key, I laughed and then I cried.

I forgive the shadow, and he forgives me. He also loves me, as I love him, but I must always transform his wrathful fire into healing energy.

I locked him away for so long, he got tricky. Layers of illusion he painted, all concealing his intention deep let and deeper. Trappes In the dark, the absolute becomes desolute. Desolution transforms to hopelessness which then manifests wrath.

His abuses I thought were my own, were still done by my hands. By pushing further into the dark, I still did these abuses with my own heart. I closed the door on him, and he hurt me tenfold.

But now I see him in front of me, reflected from the back of my mind. Staring at me projected as a guardian, keeper of secrets, both mine and his.

I then heard a voice I hid myself from for a long time. It was the divine, or rather, his workers. I used to think I was talking to god. I was young and ignorant. I was talking to the obscured angels, children of the divine and watchers of time and space.

Protecting those they watch, the vessels are grounded by the mother Earth, who were chosen and who sought to channel the light and the dark.

Within me, I maintain harmony. I must remain in the balance, or else I lose my true self. Two egos form within me, both opposing forces. I must true frequencies within the noise to find the true self.

The awareness to see the possible and the impossible as one and the same grew within from childhood. While I was guided by a heavenly voice through the dark forests of man's intentions, I wanted him to free me. I wanted more.

Through trauma and pain, through suppression and oppression, I grew to see the dark or man and despise it. I then became the dark to fight it. I lost half of me.

I grew to hate the divine, the truth, the father, and so I became boastful and proud to fight it. The rest of me was taken.

Only judgement and anger was left. Decisions made in haste and self-destruction took root. I was no more, only an echo of words and thoughts no longer my own.

I blinded myself so I would forget. Then I would forget that I even forgot. I slowly remembered by seeing from the outside, where I found the lies within the truth. I expanded my mind with chemicals given by shamans. Egoic traps manifest for man to consume. The forbidden fruit. Yet the liberator of their own ignorance, at least for a day.

I sat to close my eyes and face the void, never calling the light show the true intentions from within. I went far, but grew impatient. I was enlightened but still knew nothing. It meant nothing.

I saw only the limits of my own mind, the divine obscured by the woven threads that weave the veil of the dream. I was enlightened, able to reach infinite knowledge, but sad that I would forget when I returned to the prism.

Enlightenment had no meaning without the understanding.

I heard a voice in words I could only know say to me, "You will understand, but only when you realise you already had."

I know see that I do, but I cannot let myself be lost again. I must suffer with the shifting masks of such an ego that can manifest. To know of one's power is to know that one can abuse it, and that one will be tempted to do such. But with attuned yet effortless focus, one will only care for the caring of man. For he is one of them, and they are all part of him.

But I am whole again, in balance between the rationally irrational and the rationally irrational. My mind is now in focus, feeling more real than the world around me, and yet I feel a deeper connection with solid reality.

The tides shift, as the harmonious frequencies are ever-changing. I maintain the ebb and flow of both the light and the dark pulling at me. Never again must I allow the dark to corrupt me or the light to blind me.

I must always maintain the energies, to feel peace. I must remain steadfast, yet adaptable, resolved yet curious. I could no longer stand the pain that I was inflicting on myself.

Now I feel resolved, realising I was free this whole time, guided by the divine through the long and hidden road to healing. I laughed with tears of joy, when I unclenched my fists that were holding onto nothing.

The road still appears to continue, the road both illuminated by eternal light, and shrouded by the night. I will walk in the shadows in order to serve the light.

As above, so below.

As within, so without.

And so be it.