I met this guy who seems to be secure and says he wants exactly what I’m looking for which is a polyamorous relationship with one primary partner to live and have a family with. Our beginning was very slow. He told me he liked me from the minute he matched me on OLD. He wants me to be his primary and I’m looking for a primary. He’s very nice to me and treats me well and have so far proven he in fact wants the same thing as I do. But as a dismissive avoidant I keep trying to find reasons to run away from him. If he buy me flowers I’m thinking, “what do you want from me?” If he tells me I’m pretty I feel repulsed. If he offer to pay for a trip together he must be love bombing me. It took 3 months for us to actually have sex. Though in the beginning I wasn’t sure if I liked him but I slowly warmed up to him. He doesn’t know if I even like him even if I tell him I do. I get why too because I would be super stoic and cold when I tell him I like him or I miss him. I don’t compliment him much and I close off if he gives me “too” much attention. And the only reason why I started warming up to him because he told me he really likes his other partner. I felt a lot of pressure lifted from me when he said that. I didn’t feel like I would be 100% responsible for his happiness or sadness. I hate disappointing others and being disappointed. He’s always been consistent with his affection and I’ve been wishy washy. I can’t stop being cold to him and questioning everything that he does. I’ve told him I’m avoidant and he’s probably the most secure guy I’ve dated and it’s making me feel weird. He’s been patient with me and still want to be with me. If I don’t change, it’ll be a matter of time he’ll get tired of trying and move on. And I probably won’t fight it either. So hard to let people in and trust that they won’t hurt you.

I’ve gone through a few years of therapy and been trying to break my avoidant behaviors. Giving this guy a chance was a big step for me. I wanted to run away the minute I met him but I stayed and sat with my discomfort.

I want to trust people with my heart again.