Ok, ramble alert. I just need to get this out asap.

If I’m trying to he honest, here’s what I really think. At 35 I can finally articulate it using some language I’ve learnt literally yesterday - I don’t deserve friends, I am a crap friend, not naturally generous at all, but that’s ok because they’ve never really needed me or relied on me ever. Except I fantasise about having close friends. Not only that, now that I want romantic and sexual intimacy with women (I came out as Bi 2 years ago), I conflate these 2 desires in my head. It’s resulting in deeper but inaccessible romantic/sexual feelings for some women in my life, and a deeper desire for connection with others. It’s friendships I particularly struggle with. I instinctively opened up more recently and have been talking about being more honest since my mental health took a turn for the worse a couple of months ago. As a result, I experienced for the first time what real intimacy with some of my long term women friends feels like. I need, desire and want that so much! It was freeing, I felt emotions, I wanted to show my emotions, I wanted to show my friends that I needed them. I fucking miss them! I am that person somewhere trapped inside. But! at the same time feel like that it is unrealistic long term, I’m not capable of sustaining it. And that that need is completely self absorbed, it’s mainly for attention and that I’m bound to walk away before they get a chance to need me back (that real path to connection)

I’ve been googling whether coming out queer makes you sad (and obviously not finding an answer!) I should’ve started by wondering why I avoided my queerness all these years/intimacy with women. I avoided that by only falling in love with men, and always described myself as a fickle love. I have a deep fear that I’ll fall out of love with my husband but I never fear that he’ll leave me. Despite some pretty shitty behaviour from me recently too. I feel like such a cunt.