First, I know what I am now, but I’m trying to now understand why I’m that way, and what I can do to control it.

Now to my father - note this sounds bad but I still love him and he had good in him as well, so this is to describe him and not demean him. I had an alcoholic, prescription drug abusing father that was functional at work. He taught me to work hard. He was sometimes nice and sometimes an asshole. He only once attacked me physically. I no longer speak to him after he pushed my mother down and kicked me out when I was between jobs. I don’t hate him, I just felt he was toxic to my life and abandoned me when I needed him most. I truly believe my father is a sociopath or psychopath since he was awakened one day to news of a close brother dying. He said okay and went back to sleep. This is one example. I thought for a while I might be as well, but I think I just bottle up my strong emotions, even sometimes for years before crying.

My mother was a saint. She always loved us. After leaving my father, she left someone she loved after moving to another state to come back and be with my sister and I. In both her divorces, she never took any money even though she could have. The second man she left was a multimillionaire as my mother has always been a beautiful woman. She hardly ever has been mean to me, and she’s a forgiving person.

Functionally, I’m very independent. Emotionally is another story. I fear of losing the ones I love most. I moved off to college and worked for ten plus years, but I always went back every other weekend to see my mom because I wanted to but also out of a sense of obligation. I moved to a large city and fell in love, but the relationship ended when my partner said she didn’t want me to go see my mother after she had a stroke and needed me. This sense of obligation to my mother is that she is the only one who has ever loved me unconditionally and needed me. I’m big on loyalty to myself and others. She was always there when I had headaches and was hospitalized as a child. My girlfriend ended the relationship and moved onto a new person in weeks that I believe she had started seeing. I truly loved her but could never say it. Instead I’d say I “care about you”. I think my girlfriend had anxious and BPD tendencies.

My mother has now lost most of her eyesight to macular degeneration. I take her for groceries, out to eat, etc. I love her but between work and her I feel like I don’t have hardly any free time for myself. She lives separately from me. I’m highly intelligent (130 IQ and dropped out of PhD school with a good remote job). I go out on weekends to drink and sometimes have casual sex. Every girl I meet doesn’t remind me of my first love, the girl who left me. Her leaving me hurt so bad, but I think she had deep issues as well. I just don’t feel for anyone like I did her. I miss her soo much. I wonder if anyone will love me again or make me feel like she did. I forgive everything she did to me, and I apologized to her.

I have major depression disorder, sleep apnea, migraines, nausea, and hormone problems. I struggle with some issues of self esteem and if I deserve of love. I don’t trust many people. I may be somewhat narcissistic and struggle some with connecting with people socially. A previous friend I made at work I thought was just being nice to me to get a promotion. We no longer work together and are still are friends.

What do you think are the reasons for my psychology? What steps can I do to better my issues?