I've been trying my whole life. And I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm not having tantrums and pissing myself. I'm not selectively mute.

But I well into my thirties, and there are just always things. Can't look at people's faces. Can't not seem nervous. Sometimes I avoid saying things that need to/would probably be better communicated. Can't give a sincere enough "how are you?" Seem in too much pain while talking to people, which makes them feel bad, or makes them blame me for being rude. I can't smile on command.

The experience of AvPD is of being illegal essentially. You are at the mercy of other people. You are dependent on charity. If I ever feel entitled to my autonomy...to money, if it's a job situation...to just not being penalized...I always find myself time and time again confronting the situation where I find myself being mistreated or retaliated against by people and the reason behind it said or unsaid is...I'm sorry honey you can't pull your weight. You're not really cutting it, you're not really adequate, you are dependent on us, so really you should be grateful and you should want to make our lives easier at your expense, since we are putting up with you. If not actually put up with actual mistreatment or abuse.