42m, today is my diagnosis report day (yay) and (as somewhat expected, spoiler) I got back AvPD with a side of OCD.

I'm trying to wrap my head around what this means, because I understand where the diagnosis comes from. I've got a habit of withdrawal from social activities/isolation, get exhausted by them, have barely any friends, didn't have a relationship for over 20 years (forever alone my old friend) and worked 10 years from home until I collapsed into non productivity/burnout 2 years ago. I certainly have feelings of inferiority, low self esteem, social anxiety, think I have bad social skills (probably true), depression-like episodes, paralyzing anxiety, panic attacks, and yadda yadda yadda.

However, I've made some friends this year. I'm about to host a birthday party in 2 weeks (for the first time in like forever) with 12 people invited, I've gone out and attended social events like boardgame meetups and movie nights. Was that stuff exhausting/anxiety filled? Yes of course. But it lessened. There are some challenges I'd like to tackle like joining a sports club (martial arts), taking classes (like yoga and dancing), and (ohdear) do some dating (yeah that one makes me freeze in my chair just thinking about it).

I'm also extremely open about my inner life. Even to relative strangers. Talked to me for an hour or so, I now trust you enough so you can hear most of my life story, mental health issues, etc. And yet, I'm not easily exploited or led around. I may not be super assertive, but I can stand up for myself.

I understand this is a paradox. And I can't explain it. I know roughly when the changes started (when I met a lady, whom I've come to regard very highly) and started to make a bunch of positive life changes (shedding 60lbs, building a physique, giving up smoking, starting therapy, seeking a diagnosis). Sadly we have no longer close contact (a source of profound distress and even more positive change). I don't think it's got much to do with me, she's got her own issues to deal with.

So I'm trying to make sense of my behavior. What is it I'm experiencing? Am I really an AvPD with all that's been going on? Am I perhaps an AvPD impostor? Maybe I'm BPD, but no, I don't do self harm and I'm not oscillating between extremes of attraction/hatred etc. Maybe I'm a narcissist, but no, I don't do manipulation/exploitation/demeaning (far as I know, online maybe, but that's different, on the internet everybody's an asshole). Maybe I'm schizoid, but no, I do have joy in things, do I struggle with enjoyment sometimes, yes of course, but I'm not disinterested and I do want to build social contacts.