I probably shouldn't be posting this since I'm at work, but I can't not.

And let me apologize first. This might be a long one.

I was only recently IDed as AvPD (of course the Dr who did didn't have a psychologist to refer me to) , previously I thought I was borderline, but looking at it, AvPD is a much better fit and 'feels' correct.

Have a counselor I see once in awhile, still working on getting an actual psychiatrist.

But since I was given a label that fits.. And since I've found you great and awesome people that have the same kind of scars as me, something odd has happened.

All my life I've hidden everything. A good boy doesn't ask for candy at the store. A good boy doesn't wake people up by crying at night (I can ONLY cry silently and I'm in my 40s) A good boy doesn't act emotionally. Etc etc.

To the point where I didn't feel. I didn't want. I hid it even from myself.

But the last few days something shifted. It's like my heart finally realized what my mind has known for a couple of years.

This isn't me. It was done TO me. Just writing that makes me tear up because I can't do anything else it's so overwhelming.)

And (please excuse my language) I am ducking enraged. And that's not a strong enough word.

I want to scream like Kirk in wrath of Khan. I want it to be heard in space. If this was a physical object, I'd crack the ground underneath me. If this was a fire I'd burn out the goddamn sun. The things I keep envisioning doing to my parents... Well it's good that one's dead and the other I haven't talked to in 15 years.

And I don't know how to deal with this. I have no coping mechanisms. I am an exposed nerve trying my best to hold on just enough to not fly off the handle.

I'm terrified. My counselor says its great thing, but I don't feel like I can control it. He says that I should find a way to let the steam release, but the terror at doing so makes me cling on to the patch with every ounce of strength I have. I can't let go. I can't let it out. I can't make it go away. Even if I convinced myself I want to (I don't - I want to hide) I don't think the screaming little boy inside would let me. He's running the show and won't go back to sleep.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can try to handle this? Even similar experiences so I know I'm not alone?

I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and I don't know which direction I'll go if I let go. If I even could let go.

Strangely enough my counselor said I should ask here. Even he can't help me. :(

Maybe I'm not worth helping. Maybe even with help I'm not fixable. Aaaaaaaaaargh