my heart is pounding out of my chest typing this title. but i felt something change.

i can get a bit obsessive when i like someone, not in a stalky way but i just daydream a lot. then, after i have those thoughts, i shame myself for them sometimes and call myself all types of names for thinking about a person like that. how stupid and naive and inappropriate i am. then i'll see them and be fangirling over them again lol and it's a vicious cycle cause i feel bad when i talk to them. like i'm hiding something dirty from them. as if it's offensive to be loved by me. (low self esteem issue if you hadn't figured)

i'll either think myself out of liking them or sabotage myself in contact with them and won't accept help from people. even good people that have tried getting me out of my she'll.

i just had a really helpful, grounding thought, that i told myself when i was shaming myself for liking someone again: "it's okay that i'm thinking this, cause i know i'm not gonna actually do anything that's too far. i don't deserve to feel like a creep just because i think about someone. my brain just works like this sometimes. it's not embarrassing, and i deserve love, so i can dream a little. just make sure those dreams don't get your feelings hurt too hard in the real world and align with reality as much as possible. the only way i can make my dreams come true is if i act them out."

after i just had this thought, i felt a lot lighter and like i was allowed to have a crush on someone. i always try to protect other people from me but i feel like i don't need to cope as much with the obsessions anymore if i actually dare to flirt with someone lol. and that it's ok and not a shameful thing at all if it's not reciprocated. because i've learned to manage my emotions a lot better now, so i know i can deal with a bit of a ego hit better than i could before.

anyways, of course there is a stupid boy that inspired this burst of growth, which is exactly why i like him. i've actually been taking better care of myself since i started talking to him, and i haven't felt the need to be obsessive because he asks me what I'm thinking about. and he'll smile. like i said i don't wanna go too fast or ruin anything but i'm bawling my eyes out from sheer relief and happiness right now typing this. and most importantly, even if it isn't him, i can keep this sentiment and this standard with me. so i guess i'll find out if my daydreams actually become reality 🥺 im freaking out right now hahaha