2 days off - the past week has been busy. It was a nice feeling to have Monday being the equivalent of Friday. A pleasant juxtaposition.

A few days back I met a temp live in carer. A woman from Dubai who had studied for a year in UK to complete her masters. We had wonderful conversations, and I was very inquisitive about her life, studies, family, and religion. Of Indian, Muslim heritage and met her husband via an arranged marriage. We discussed the patriarchal society she lived in and how she had to fight to study abroad, and how she was often at odds to conservative Islamic values. It truly was a wonderful few hours.

The next morning I got dressed for work and realised I'd kept a key fob from the client's house. So I had to return on my lunch break - a 50 mile round trip. I could've stayed for a few hours, but I made a brief pitstop, and wished the Indian lady all the best.

Yesterday was a round in a new location. I wasn't as nervous as the week before where a new round had me feeling high anxiety before I started. Truthfully it's just a build up of imposter syndrome. But once I began the shift I quickly realised it was no different from others. The same rhythme and routine, just different people and slightly mixed needs etc.

Treat everyone as an individual. Listen, care, be patient and above all - be kind. Time and again clients ask me when I'll be back. A very good sign is how one carer described that reaction from clients.

Truth be told, in any job my politeness peaks. You won't find a more polite version of me than when I'm at work. With this job, it's very hands on, which keeps my brain engaged constantly. Unlike being sat at a desk for 8 hours doing data entry; forever copying and pasting, or answering the same call and email queries hundreds of times a month.

I'm giving my all to this care work, and I was told I was runner up for carer of the month, which is a good feeling considering I've only been there about 10 weeks now.

Today I went above and beyond again. I was faced with various moments when I noticed things were amiss. My attention to detail was often sporadic in office work because I was faced with the same tedium and routine every day. In this job however I'm in people's homes and I can see what's amiss. The office is very pleased with my diligence.

My first 2 breaks today I had to drive 30 min round trip to the office to sort stuff out for a client. But it all got sorted in the end. I also had a long call with another client and took him out shopping, which he was really chuffed with. Did his laundry too, even though he seemed to feel a little awkward that I was doing so much.

On my third and final lunch break I was about to find a place to park up for an hour, when I drove past a park and saw a man on a bench, he was slumped over the edge of the bench, his elbows resting on his knees, and his head buried in his hands. Even from afar I could sense the suffering. My gut told me to stop. So I turned the car around and parked up.

I walked across to meet him, and quickly noticed the open can of drink and tattoos and missing teeth. I asked him if he was ok. It took a while for him to reply - he told me he was homeless and hadn't slept in 4 days. I sat myself down, and he looked at me with slightly glazed, tired eyes. But he assured me he was fine. Yet, behind the fog of alcohol I could see such a depth and story to be told in his eyes.

We sat and chatted for an hour. A deep conversation that touched upon society, values, abuse, trauma, drug addiction, crime, prison and all manner of other subjects. He too was like me - someone who had a long history of often befriending people who were emotionally damaged or unavailable. Users, and people he said were on the blag.

As we chatted a lot of people walked or drove past and waved to him. He'd been a local of the village all his life. Suffered opiate addiction and was currently homeless. I found out he used to do stained glass windows. Another creative with a long story, and a deep struggle within.

I offered several times to get him something from the shop. In the end he agreed, and I popped up the shop to get 4 cans of beer for him. I also bought some tobacco and we shared a roll up. I don't intend to smoke daily. But I think that a social smoke now and then isn't the worst thing in the world. I'm no saint by any means - and I think there's a strong symbolism in sharing a smoke and moment with someone.

As I can't do weed or booze anymore, I'll take what little I can. I've had it in my head for years now that eventually I'll take to smoking a pipe. It's much more my vibe. Eccentric and what not. But for now, 1 cigarette every month or so isn't exactly a crippling addiction.

Before we ended our chat I went to my car and gave him a copy of "The Myth of Normal" by Gabor Mate, as I own an ebook copy and audiobook copy. It touches upon everything we spoke of - especially addiction, the pitfalls of modern societal values, and healing trauma.

Quality over quantity. This is what baffles me when using these dating sites - it's littered with socialites with drinking problems. But what do these people really do? So many sharing social media addresses, and for what? 2 added me, and immediately sent me their IG handle. When I said I don't use it - they unmatched/blocked me. Are you really that desperate for attention? I'd much rather be the guy you only see once in a blue moon, but we'll both remember the encounter fondly. Me and David both said we'd prefer to be alone more often than not, but striking a balance between self-sufficiency and loneliness is a tricky thing to get right.

As me and David spoke on that park bench, we saw a pre-teen walk down the pathway. Wearing very revealing clothing and doing a selfie as she walked with her boyfriend. Pouting and throwing up a peace sign with her hand. We said to each other - what on earth is that. It's an epidemic in this day and age to seek attention and approval from others. When it's we in ourselves who must be content. And social media just drives the dopamine rush and seeking external validation. For what reason? It's addictive and hollow. No wonder depression and anxiety is on the rise when people are forever seeking happiness outside of themselves.

Still - we had a lovely chat, and I'll be on the look out for him in the future. Throughout the conversation he gave me 4 or 5 strong, but warm handshakes, and thanked me profusely. We parted ways, and I was glad I'm in a place where I feel confident enough to approach complete strangers who I could tell needed a moment.

Saw a friend yesterday on my lunch break when working on the van. Hadn't seen him since Christmas Eve 2021. I realised to myself what my ex had said - that not talking much online doesn't tarnish our friendship. I primarily communicate online, but for a long time it's felt eroding, as very few returned the energy I invested in kind. If anything it made me feel more lonely. None moreso than my previous relationship. The fallout of trying to remain friends straight after a breakup was quite toxic to my wellbeing.

But seeing my friend yesterday made me realise a friendship weathers any amount of time apart. Nothing truly changes the bond between 2 people. If you get on well, then absence does make the heart grow fonder. I guess the struggle for me with my ex is that it felt like the closest thing to love. But in that reality was also some of the worst anxiety and self-destructive behaviour to ever occur in any of my relationships. When my anxiety has an audience - heaven forbid. It's quite biblical, and it pushes people away rapidly.

My relationship history has been a mixed bag, but an emotional minefield nonetheless. None moreso than those I fell head over heels for. I torpedoed those relationships with deadly precision. Going from peak Ed - which is like what my clients see in this job, to a panic attack stricken, and depressed mess.

But "peak Ed" is probably why so many clients are dumbfounded when I tell them I'm single with no kids. But I tell them honestly - I struggle with my nerves, and when I date it simply amplifies those worries. Still, it's good to feel like I'm being my best self for 48 hours a week whilst I'm working. As it's making me feel better in myself outside of my working hours.

Maybe one day I'll feel more whole and confident in myself so that I enter a relationship without that nagging thought of - "This feels nice; but when's it all going to go wrong?" Dating should be liberating. A time for growth and memories. But for me, it just feels like I'm playing a game of Russian roulette with myself, and one day that revolver isn't just going to "click" - and then it's game over.

Anyway, I have 2 days off now; and I'm glad. One thing is to be said for these long days; it feels like a complete cycle. Leaving around 6am and returning home around 9pm. I feel tired, but it's a content sort of tired. It's like my watch has come to an end. Also, there's been numerous moments I've gone above and beyond, and I see people's faces light up. Sharing those warm, positive moments with people is good, and it's continuing to help me grow in confidence, and inner health and well-being.

You done good kid.

Ed