I know im autistic for just a while now (only few years). Im 28F.
Ever since i am evaluating my issues with people through a different lens and i would appreciate the opinin of others - who may relate.

TLDR : Disputes lead to people hating me. But i cant figure out what i am doing wrong (am staying neutral and calm). Please help me find a pattern and avoid it while still making friends without having to mask too much.

Context
Anyone who knows me for just a while would (objectively) say that im a very calm reserved person, in control of her emotions, neutral, careful with my wording, avoiding conflict, a people pleaser, and clarifying a lot to avoid misunderstandings.
I always try to help people, to the extend that many people view me as a motherly figure. People would describe me as a "girlboss", as strong and cool, but also very caring and the "therapist friend".
It reflects in my work and in my IRL relationships. It also reflects online, as i always try to help people.
I care deeply to be understandood but also to be understanding of others, respectful, give everyone the benefit of the doubt, be the "bigger" and more "mature" person whenever i can, taking my own emotions back. I take time to pause to reflect upon my emotions and thoughts. I am careful not to break rules, as i care deeply about the written and unwritten rules. Part of it surely comes from my trauma.

I worked on myself for many years, i have no issue understanding my emotions, i have no issue controlling my emotions both physically and on a thought level. I even went to therapy - which didnt help me tbh. So i can confidently say that i am in peace with my mind, and at a very healthy place in regards to these things. Ask anyone who knows me to back this up.

Issue
The following has happened more than once in discord servers (as this is my main form of communicating with people) :

I join. I try to make friends. I think i am a part of the group, invested, communicative, open, helpful, careful to follow social rules and discord rules. I get attached, i open up, i slowly unmask even. I feel like i am PART of the group. Which means i care deeply.
Then there is one disagreement, not a fight, but a disagreement. Me and one other person, or more than one, disagree about something. Rarely anything truly meaningful.
Somehow there is a back and forth, that admitedly often towards the end simply confuse me. There is no longer any real factual information shared. People keep asking me things, pushing the conversation to keep going and going. Even when i no longer truly find it has any meaning.
But i keep explaining myself, because now the conversation shifted from ...what we spoke about....to somehow my motivations and my emotions.
And so i keep explaining my thinking, my emotions, the whole situation - my side of things. I try to be respectful and pay attention to my wording such as "i feel" "i believe" "i think" to avoid anything that may sound like attacking them. Even if i say "lets agree to disagree" they keep pushing by suggesting im being confusive, dismissive, avoidant, or lying and being dishonest about what my intentions are or were. Often this is when people start saying things like
"Sometimes when i feel big emotions i need to go and take a nap"
" Sometimes when we get emotional, it is best to take a step back, a deep breath, and reevaluate my thoughts"
"Sometimes when im emotional its best when i keep my thoughts to myself"

But i am factually not emotion, not louded by emotion. I am calm, im explaining myself calmly. And i do not like the implication that i am immature or not in control of myself - things i would easily admit if they were true!

Being misunderstood does trigger me. It is often what happens during those disputes. My words being twisted, my intentions misunderstood, everything turned and twisted. What i am saying turned around, and when i disagree and try to explain it leads to a conversation leading nowhere but somehow me explaining and not being understood.
Yes i am frustrated over being misunderstood, but it does not cloud my judgement. I stay calm, less than usual, but still mature and neutral. If anything is my special power, than it is to put my emotions aside and unpack those when it is safe to do so.

Anyway. Without warning I am kicked from the server. Without a warning, without a word of goodbye, without reassurance, without anyone checking up on me if im alright. This has happened more than once. I go from feeling like a valued part of the group, to being less than worthless. People dont care to check on me, they just toss me out like trash.

At first i thought that perhaps it was an misunderstanding on my side, but i started recording such conversations and re-reading them over and over. Even though i cant pinpoint the issue, i dont see any wrongdoings on my side. I understand this does sound arrogant or delusional. However, i truly do believe that nothing was said that would break any rule im aware of. I am the first person to apologize and beg forgiveness, or try to improve on my own weaknesses.

Why i want to improve

What hurts me the most is, that i am being a "good person" for months, and even IF i broke some social rule they simply disregard my existance from their lives within a second without any thought or compassion. Its unfair, hurtful, i hate it.

It got me to a point where i no longer wish to make friends, create bonds, or truly care about servers. I feel like there is no point in investing myself and being emotionally vulnerable, because it means nothing and may end quickly by stepping on someone`s feet (metaphorically).

I am rather lonely though. I want to try again. I want to know what im doing wrong. I can provide more information if needed. I never get emotional, i never get personal, i never use insults, i never blame anyone. I always purely state my feelings and thoughts.
I just dont get it, perhaps we can look at the issue together and find new approaches for me.

And i think im rather good at the whole masking and being social thing. IRL i think im really good at it, and i never have arguments or big troubles. I dont have friends, close friends anyway, but i also get along with people and never had a similar situation. I am way more comfortable with people online. And i wish for online friends. Close friends. Less masking but still close friends.

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My question:
I just want to know what is going on and how do i avoid it?
How do i recognize that the "disagreement" is no longer a sincere and "normal" conversation but has instead turned into a war of words, at which end i always lose.

I am a kind person. I dont know why it seems to happen again and again. How can a whole server full of people agree im a bad guy? I just dont get it. I been bullied, abuse, mocked, SA and more - and never has anyone "kicked" that person or called thema bad person. Why me ? What am i doing that is so bad?

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