End of august, I tell partner I want to break up. Up all night, he had panic attacks every few hours thru morning. I call off work.

We decide moving out without breaking up is best for now. I stay at hotels and out late for space. 3 weeks, 15 BIG LONG cry talks, PRN meds for both of usincrease. He doesn’t look at places at all. I’m exhausted, burnt out. 3 days off work for me.

Weeks from initial breakup talk, his brother is killed (9-17). Breakup/move out plans: OFF. all Attn on my love/BFF. defcon 1000. I’m here for him 1000%.

I cancel my travel (wedding plans for my cousin, in the making for a year) to attend funeral. Cant travel on planes without struggles w/ meltdown/dissociating. Can’t afford ticket for partner and myself to fly home and bury his brother anyway. I stay. He goes.

Partner comes home catatonic. I look after him. I have been sick for a week now (9/25) but attending work. Can’t breathe. Get chest x-ray. Bronchitis. (10-3). Back to work. No time off. Meds working, symptoms slowly resolving. Few weeks later (10-17), difficulty breathing and all other symptoms return. I’m driving to work to covid test and stay to work if (-) and that’s when I got hit going 60mph.

Insurance/rentals/having to walk everywhere while sick with what turned out to be pneumonia is NOT the VIBE. Walked 4 miles. Meltdown at rental place. Haven’t had a public meltdown in years.

Finally got to urgent care after getting a rental last night. 3 PUBLIC meltdowns later in 48 hours- I’m covered by insurance for a 20 day rental. Now, another chest x-ray last night and I have a doctors note for the rest of the week, pneumonia, antibiotics, steroids… F*** this. I’m gonna lose my job. I cant work.

LIFE SUCKS RN. LIFE WAS GOOD AND MANAGEABLE SINCE DX. AND THE LAST TWO MONTHS HAVE KICKED MY F****** TEETH IN. F*** THIS.

mom has decided to fly in to support me. which hasn’t happened in almost 2 years.

TLDR: I have sacrificed my own needs for my partner and others for many years. Autism dx 18 months ago turned my life around and saved me. So after 6 months deliberating, I decided the codependence needed to change, I ask him to move out, (of course waiting til his mental health finally was strong enough to hear this news.)… His baby brother was murdered literally weeks later. I love him So Much. Best friend. I of course will help any way I can. Thousands$ of my own spent, him and his family have very little. Had to keep working can barely make rent and all savings gone - all while having bronchitis. Going on 1 month of illness and worsening. I’m omw to work, someone hit me and totaled my car. MY CAR of 9 years. Got rental, went to urgent care. Treatment and severity of illness forced to stay home from work. This is less than 2 months of events. Literally can’t grieve, can’t heal physically or emotionally, couldn’t even be there for my 19yo BIL’s burial. So much loss. So much chaos. So much pain. So grateful for my life and what I have, but goddamn.