I am a 46 year old man that, after a week of reflection and research, believes myself to be a high functioning autistic man. Some say neurodivergent but personally I prefer HFA as it seems to make more sense that way. The thought had never occured to me until I became friends with a 45 year old woman who has just been diagnosed. We connected immediately before she told me. Even when she told me, I didn't really "get it". She complained about not making friends, being taken advantage of a lot and overall struggling in life. Even after she told me she was HFA, I didn't fully understand and just thought she was a quirky, brilliant woman who was more emotional than most. I never dismissed her diagnosis because I was 100% intrigued in her and she seemed to enjoy my non judgemental curiosity. After a couple months of friendship and one overnight session of deep conversation, I made the comment, "Wow, I am starting to see myself in you. That must be why we are getting so close.", as I was getting ready to leave. She casually said, "Well, I think maybe you are autistic too."

This might be a good place to give a little background on my life. At thanksgiving, I begged my daughters(19&22 i don't see them as much as I like), to show up early so I can visit with them before everyone else got there. They had to leave early so this made total sense to me. My oldest was good with it right away. My youngest resisted. This has not always been the case. My oldest always seemed to push bach while my youngest was my little mini me. I knew my youngest had been struggling bad with school and a recent break-up but I've had the luxury of their mom handling this. When I pulled up behind my youngest, who had arrived just before me, i jumped out to fuss at her for her parking choice. I didn't yell because i was mad, it was because of the distance. I've coached both of my girls for 5 years in soccer and basketball when they were younger so they are used to my coaching/fussing ways. This time my youngest seemed devastated like never before. She wouldn't talk to me, look at me or anything. I was super worried. I called her mom to ask what was going on. She just told me that she is going through some things and that I needed to relearn how to engage her. This floored me and has been heavy on my mind ever since.

I have always been considered smart and been questioned about why I can't find or keep a good paying job. I have a master's degree in education and I find myself wondering what is wrong with me too. I have learned to be quiet at jobs, learn it and then I will be more myself. When I am myself, I can make people not like me because I can be too honest and really intense about everyone doing their job correctly. I don't understand why people don't do their job.

Fast forward to a week ago, I had my eureeka moment that lead me down this path of self discovery that I am 100% sure I am autistic. It was like the final piece to explain it all. I lived in a very nurturing environment that allowed me to overcome a lot on my own. As I reflect, I had a lot of signs that were missed, but back in the 80s the attitude was "they'll just grow out of it." I had the good fortune of experiencing very little trauma due to my parent's loving environment that existed all the way through high school. My major problems didn't appear until I was an adult. My parents divorced my freshman year in college and my mom moved away. This devastated me. School suffered, i started smoking weed, worked more and met my exwife. I was incapable of doing too many things. After years and years of struggles and judgement, I finally have my life down to the basics despite how people judge me. My mom and I live together. I have a gig job that allows me to work when I want. I struggle finding lasting relationships with women. My big worry is my youngest daughter. I think she is like me but her prideful mother won't even consider it. I found out that she has secretly had my daughter in therapy since 15 but they won't tell me why. I have not or will not go to my daughter without her mom or a professional but I am so scared my daughter is being misdiagnosed. I am being shut out. I was a stay at home dad with my daughters until my oldest was 4 and my youngest was 2. She presented with a lot of autistic signs that i didn't realize were signs until recently.

Has anyone else been through this? Any advice? I am going to schedule an appointment with a psychologist that specializes in adult autism but I am so filled with fear and worry about what this means for my daughter's(who I am shutout from) life and my life.