This sounds extremely weird but I don't naturally have an ego or selfish nature. I don't get that feeling in my heart of wanting something or getting feelings of excitement that stem from greed. I instead just have anxious thoughts and feel relief whenever I complete a task/goal. Let's say I meet this girl I like and I start fantasying about her. My fantasies don't come from a place of greed or desire, but rather, wholesomeness????? It's super weird. Like I don't think of her sexually at all. Normally I assume most men would think of a woman they like with a mix of greedy sexual thoughts in combination with feelings of love, compassion and wholesomeness. I don't get those greedy sexual thoughts at all. Instead I feel very soothed and relaxed thinking about how perfect she is, how funny they are, all their little quirks, etc,....I think this is love. I imagine me and her walking down the LA coast, going to Disneyland and Universal, playing video games together etc. These feelings warm my heart and are not greedy at all. However, eventually these thoughts VERY QUICKLY transform into extremely anxious thoughts where I start to catastrophise potential situations where she ends up with someone else. I also get these very intrusive and horrible thoughts of them having intimate, sexual moments with other men and these thoughts are so invasive and awful they completely drive up my anxiety and fuel my jealousy. Except it's not really jealousy, more like PANIC..... Super weird.

However, whenever I meditate for at least half an hour and try to stabilise my thoughts and anxiety, all of a sudden I feel EXTREMELY selfish and greedy. I get this exciting feeling in my heart and stomach where I just have this insane drive to make us much money and f*ck as many women as I can. It's such an odd feeling to me since it's not in my nature AT ALL!

Yet whenever I am in this state of selfish thought, all of a sudden my masking skills are basically perfect. I am able to accurately maintain the perfect levels of eye contact, change my tone, etc. When I speak to an attractive woman, my tone changes to a very flirty and suggestive sort of voice and I can see the effect it has on them as they try and replicate that same tone back to me when flirting. Yet during these interactions, I feel....fake??? As in its not my true nature to be doing this.

So is this why some people are so much better at masking? Because their anxious beliefs of failure are replaced with selfish desire??? I feel like this might be true due to the black and white nature of autistic thinking.