Trigger warning: self harm

I was diagnosed as autistic about a month ago at the ripe old age of 34, after about 20 years of progressively unstable behavior that caused my partner to ask me to see a therapist. My partner believed that I was schizophrenic based on my symptoms, but my therapist believes it's autism. Full disclosure, we are practicing non-monogamy, hence the "crush on someone" question.

I've had the symptoms I do since I was 12 or 13. Prior to that I was a fairly normal kid, but I did have a few special interest phases, for example, trucks, snakes, dinosaurs, etc.

The general criteria that caused me to be diagnosed with autism:

• I have virtually no sense of "self". I get really into fashion and music trends, but I get angry when those trends go out of style because it feels like a personal attack on me, like they've found me out and now they're changing it so I'll never fit in.
• I have no sexuality or gender identity. I will have sex with pretty much anyone who likes me regardless of gender. I'm a dude, but my gender identity has always been turbulent, and I identified as trans in high school.
• 95% of the time I feel like a walking corpse. I only feel human when I'm either arguing with someone, debating with someone, when I'm having sex, when I'm making really big plans or being spontaneous, when I'm fully engrossed in my art or music, or when I'm drunk. Basically anything that makes me super passionate.
• I have several incredibly niche special interests, and when I find someone who shares my interests I become almost immediately attached to them. Most of those special interests involve certain hobbies or music groups.
• All food tastes basically the same to me, and I never get hungry. I usually realize I need to eat something when my blood sugar gets so low I'm on the verge of passing out.
• It feels like there's a hole in me that I'm always trying to fill with religion, alcohol, love, compulsive sex, drugs, spontaneous road trips, various lifestyles, you get the idea, and it works in the short term but after a little while I 'wake up' and feel even more empty and dead inside than I did before.
• I do not feel like a human. I feel like an alien who has to pretend to be a person. Every single thing I do is a focused and concentrated effort to seem more human than I feel.
• I've been told I lie or "mask" to get people to like me, but I don't see it that way, I just see myself as a fluid entity. The way other people see it is "You just told me you're interested in [insert hobby here] because you wanted me to like you, that's lying". The way I see it is, "When you told me you like [insert hobby here] I automatically began to like it as well because I enjoy spending time with you."
• The main contradiction is that I actually do have interests that I consider to be "my interests" but they're so niche that I've met maybe three or four people in my life who also share them.

What caused me to make this post is that I've noticed every time I have intense feelings for someone, it progresses in relatively the same way each time, and it's just as intense and scary every time even when I know exactly what's going to happen:

• I meet someone, and immediately connect (either we have a lot of sex, we have a lot of phone conversations, or anything that results in an intense connection)
• The connection is usually imagined on my part, and the other person usually doesn't feel as connected as I do
• I double down to try to recreate the connection I originally felt, either by giving them gifts, more sex, writing songs for them, etc, but it just makes them see what I already know about myself: that there's something really wrong with me, and it drives them further away
• Eventually they don't want to talk to me at all, and then I just completely self-destruct. I shave my head, I throw out all my clothes and buy new ones, enroll in college for some bizarre field I've never been interested in, I delete all my playlists and make new ones, I get drunk or high or drive too fast (I don't drive drunk or high) or stab myself, smash my phone, or do pretty much anything I can to feel anything at all.
• At this point I start rapidly cycling between wanting to throw myself off a bridge, and wanting to do something, anything, to prove to them that I'm "good." Usually, these episodes last anywhere between ten seconds and 30 minutes. When I was 20 I had one that lasted three days and I drove halfway across the country because I was totally convinced that if I recorded an album with Insane Clown Posse she'd love me back.
• I spend the next 2-6 weeks locked in my studio unable to go to work or do anything other than make music. I've tried to go to work when I'm like this and I just can't work.
• Eventually I completely burn out, feel profoundly tired, sleep for a few days, and then when I wake up I have no more feelings for this person at all. Not good feelings, not bad feelings, I look at them and I feel nothing. At this point I'm fully capable of having a friendly relationship with them, and even sometimes having sex with them, but I'm dead inside and searching for my next person of interest.

I am the only person I've ever met that's like this. I've heard songs by musicians who describe this feeling, but I've never met anyone in real life like me.