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I have autism and flipped out earlier today bc my gf poorly managed time. Now its midnight, I spilled my sunflower seeds, and I just stopped scream crying and scratching my skin off. Whats wrong with me? I feel like my brain is melting. I feel like... not existing. How does one cope with hurting themselves and wanting to die over a bad day and spilled snack? I think I'm going insane, I want to stop acting this way so badly. When I get this upset I know how I hurt others but cant stop myself. Am I going crazy? I am clearly hurting others but cant stop.
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I don't know if I can agree with that. If during your worst moments you kill someone, you are a killer. If during your worst moments you beat up your girlfriend, you are an abusive partner. Autism or no autism, we all have choices.
That said, I had a friend who had epilepsy. When she felt a seizure coming on, she would go lay down. She couldn't choose whether or not she had a seizure, but she could put herself in a position so that she didn't hurt anyone else or herself.
We may not be able to stop a meltdown once it starts, but if you feel it coming on, you can go to your safe space until it passes. We can put ourselves in a position where we don't hurt anybody else while our system reboots. For me, I can go to the closet and sit down in the dark or I can go lay down in the bed and just wait it out.
I am not saying this to make anyone feel bad. I am saying this because I have seen folks in autistic subs talking about being abused by their autistic partners and explaining that abuse by saying that their partner can't help it. That isn't accurate, and it isn't okay.
I am a big fan of grace. We can't change the past. We can forgive our past-selves and try to do better.
Every morning we wake up and decide who we want to be that day. If on your worst days going forward, you cry and scream in a closet, then in your worst moments, you have chosen to protect the folks you love. That is who you are today. And that matters.