I don't have a diagnosis, but I've been reading up on autism lately since I've felt wrong and embarrassing my entire life, and my entire family suspects/suspected that I’m Autistic ever since I was little. We never sought a diagnosis, and the one time I casually brought it up to a (very bad) psychiatrist, he told me I couldn't be autistic because I can make eye contact, and because I do well in school.

Anyway, I'm currently reading "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price and it's been very enlightening, especially the point that an official diagnosis may not be necessary for everyone, and that sometimes it might be more helpful to frame autism as a social identity rather than a medical term.

In the book, I came across the section on “Celebrating Special Interests” and it really resonated with me. All my life I’ve been told (explicitly or implicitly) to hide my enthusiasm for things I’m into because it’s embarrassing or childish, or “too much.” I’ve always felt like I’m embarrassing myself whenever I get excited about whatever fandom or phase I was into, but sometimes I still can’t help talking about my obsessions because it brings me so much joy. Sometimes the other person puts up with me and entertains me by listening (which I'm always grateful for and feel a bit guilty about), but often they get weirded out. That’s partially why online communities and fandoms appealed to me so much, because there were so many people out there who shared my obsessive interests and we wouldn’t judge each other as weird or off putting because of it. And Dr. Price mentions this in his book: “Autistic people are also a foundational part of most fandoms and conventions centered around shared hobbies” (153).

There’s an exercise in that chapter which asks the reader to list different special interests and describe them, or even paste pictures relevant to the special interest (like your oldest special interest, most recent one, one you share with someone, etc). I am very excited to do it, but it also reminded me of the one time when I was 14 I basically came up with the exercise on my own (listing my obsessions in chronological order, accompanied by images) and shared it with my sister, and she was so weirded out I felt so ashamed. That’s why it’s such an amazing feeling when I finally someone, especially in real life, who shares my obsession. My partner doesn’t share my obsession but he indulges me in my current obsession with a Broadway actor and I’m so grateful for him. I’m always afraid that I’ll come off as “too much” or too obsessive. It’s like a part of me I have to hide, even though it feels good to let it out, with the right person.