I have been lonely my entire life. My earliest memories are of me feeling loneliness. I understood at a very early age that I was not a person most people wanted to be around. Nothing hurts more than being this lonely, and knowing that I am not a desirable friend and platonic. Nothing has made me want to not be alive than being this loneliness. Over time it also became this kind of shame about who I am as person. It has always been easier to just be alone all the time, I played alone as a kid and always did group projects alone. I love being alone, but every once in a while I get this feeling that feels like someone is making a huge bleeding gash in my chest. It feels like I’m being burned alive. No matter how hard I try to distance myself from this feeling, it just keeps fighting its way up. The worst part is not the fact I don’t have any friends. I do have friends. I can’t ever seem to get close enough. Everyone keeps me at a distance. I become too much If I get too close. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to envy all my friends who have romantic partners and the only guys that want me only want me for my body.

I want someone to just really like me. To tell me that I make their life a little bit better and that they missed having me around. To understand and see me. To like me.