Hi everyone, seeking some advice/support re health anxiety on my partners health.

Long story short they had a life threatening respiratory illness 2 years ago caused by severe asthma, smoking, extreme stress (from poverty) and not looking after their body at all. Since then they have been up and down with their health (back in hospital 4 times and constant bouts of cold and flu leaving them on emergency medication but overall taking more positive steps and been getting better). I have been their part time carer though all of this, taking 2 months off work to look after them in 2022 and constantly rushing to care for them in emergency situations when they’ve been unwell (we don’t live together and they have no other at home support). This left me exhausted and contributed to autistic burnout, but if I didn’t care for them they would have likely been back in hospital with another life threatening illness.

For over 2 years they’ve been told by several medical professionals to quit smoking given their severe asthma and their life threatening condition. They have reduced it significantly and been switching between vaping and smoking cigarettes (instead of just smoking cigarettes).

The fact they haven’t quit especially as we go into winter (more cold and flus and risk to health) is giving me severe health anxiety. I’ve been having bouts of anxiety attacks about it over the last 6 months. Any time we talk about it I am so frustrated and mad and they just get upset saying how much they are trying and it’s deeper for them as they use smoking as a way to manage their ocd and not (trigger warning) self harm (which they have a history of).

I am so gutted because I don’t want this to be a dealbreaker for us as I love them in every other way. However I am massively ruminating that every time they smoke I think they will die and they are doing irreparable damage to their lungs. Also if they end up in hospital again I think I would massively struggle to be empathetic and not just be so pissed and “I told you so” which is obviously horrible to hear and not helpful. I don’t even know how to communicate with them about this because I am so filled with extreme anxiety it just comes out as blunt and super direct and hostile or causes meltdowns. Any advice is greatly appreciated