I have long assumed that sex is better for men than it is for women because of anatomy. Men have an appendage they can plunge into another person. It feels better to do that than use their hand. So they seek out sex constantly and walk away satisfied every time.

Women have a nub that must be touched a particular way. If it is touched the wrong way it hurts. In order to attain orgasm involving another person they must strike gold in finding someone interested in learning how to operate the clitoris, or do it themselves while other sexual activities are happening.

Most men are uninterested in learning this skill and are supported by the culture in viewing it as “extra” or an “add-on” or a “special favor” rather than fundamental. It’s possible to force them to do it by withholding access to the magical vault of pleasure until they do, but it’s depressing to have to force someone into it.

It’s likewise a bit depressing for women to have to take care of their sexual needs themselves during sexual encounters - the thought enters one’s mind, “I could have just skipped all the rest of this and done it alone for the same result.”

I recognize that not all women feel this way. I think my clitoris is up higher, closer to my belly button, than some women’s, so it doesn’t make any contact with the dick during intercourse, no matter the position. It also may be that the experience of getting fucked is more psychologically thrilling to other women than it is to me. And it may be the case that I’ve had extraordinarily bad luck with men, happening to have dated a lot of selfish ones, while the ones who conceive of sex as a mutual giving of pleasure rather than a one-sided taking of it, elude me.

I recently made out with a woman for the first time and she ground against my body until she came. I was thinking, “that’s a really cool magic trick, I wish I knew how to do that.” She didn’t need me to do anything, or know how her body works, or care about her pleasure. She just went for it. And got it.

I wonder if my framework of sex is completely wrong. I have spent my sex life with men doing things that please them, out of an idea that that’s what we’re both there for - to please each other. The favor is not returned to me, even when I specifically ask. But I have still persisted in being “giving,” hoping that the other person will catch on and give in return.

Maybe all this time I should have been a grinder, a taker, of sexual pleasure. I should have been learning that, instead of learning all the different things men like and how to do them. I should have been learning what I like, and how to trick/force/badger men into doing it. I should not have approached sex as an opportunity to demonstrate care and affection and pleasure, but rather to extract those things.

I don’t know if it’s in my nature to switch to this other framework. I don’t find it erotic to be aggressive. But I think it might be The Way.