(TW: description of meltdown) I’m in college, I’ve been having more meltdowns lately and they’re getting worse as I get more burnt out.

Most recently, I had an intense meltdown before performing in a concert because little inconveniences just added up. I went outside so I wouldn’t disturb the people inside, but I know anyone arriving could hear me having a really hard time because I lost my voice from screaming so much. I managed to calm myself down after about 10 minutes; I was still crying but I felt in control enough to go inside and hide. I cried for good 15 more minutes (by this time the concert had started). My friends are the best, they left me alone but kept an eye on me while I was out of control. Got me water and gave me deep pressure hugs when I started to feel better. Took a total of around an hour to feel okay again (thankfully I wasn’t supposed to go onstage until towards the end of the concert).

The embarrassing part is I know all my classmates and professors who attended the concert heard me having a really hard time before the concert, and I know my face was still red from crying when I went on stage. 100 people saw me have a meltdown and now I have to go back to school and face them all like nothing happened.

Usually I can hold back the tidal wave until I get home. I haven’t had a public meltdown that bad in years. I am so embarrassed, and worried about functioning in the future. I’m also scared of getting the police called on me one day because I’ve seen videos of that happening to autistic people who are having a meltdown.