I go online so, so often when I'm hurting, because I don't feel safe around anyone else. I hope against hope that someone will get it. They'll understand that I'm not trying to attack anyone, or other anyone. That I am all but literally bleeding and just want SOMEONE to check on me.

I have gotten in so many stupid arguments today. So many people have assumed "well if you don't want to do anything then maybe it's just because you're a shit person with a worse attitude." No. I'm a terrified, injured person who keeps losing people. I see a world populated with people not meant for me. People who would maybe say "hi" back, or invite me to A party (one, just one) and then cut ties or limit things to lip service. I am someone who met a person online, told them dark secrets beyond my comfort level, gave them images of myself that I'd never been brave enough to take, because it made them happy, only to drive four hours to find out we never had a chance. I know I'm not owed anything, but it hurts. It hurts so much, and all I ever hear from anyone is "see a therapist" (as if I haven't) or "try again." Like my hurt is just something I can take off and bury someplace.

Why are people like this? Why can't I have friends close to me? Why is it easier to get drunk and stoned off my ass at 1:30 in the afternoon than it is for me to find someone close who cares if I live or die? Why can't anyone fucking check on me? I'd do them that same kindness. I wouldn't overstay my welcome. I don't hurt people. I don't want to be a burden.

Why can't anyone just love me, as a friend or otherwise?