The following is a track-by-track review of international pop singer Ariana Grande's new record, positions, written by model-putrid, chairman of the Australian Christian Lobby. There are two rating options- chaste and sinful, completed with a final verdict on whether the album is suitable for Christians.

shut up

While the song starts well, Grande's vocals are autotuned to an almost hellish extent in the chorus, and uses rather abrupt wording, culminating in the use of the S-word. This song is clearly sinful.

34 35

While the song starts off positively, with Ariana Grande asking her partner to "give me them babies", suggesting sexual activities solely for procreational purposes as the Lord intended, as Grande is unmarried, this song is immediately deemed sinful. The chorus includes copious use of the F-word, to the point where I had to stop the song out of fear of being plunged into the bowels of hell.

motive (with Doja Cat)

The song began poorly, beginning with what I initially thought was a call to violate the Sixth Commandment, however, as it turns out, the song was simply produced by a man named Murda Beatz. Ariana Grande then uses sexually suggestive language, and the song is also sullied by the used of an explicit word. While the beat is nice, and I have nothing but praise for Miss Cat's feature, which is a nice break from Grande, this song is still sinful.

just like magic

Ariana Grande uses the S-word in this song, as well as the F-word, and boasts about her attractiveness. This song is sinful.

off the table (with The Weeknd)

A song with no explicit language (bar the use of the term damn, which, while I found slightly objectionable, was thankfully the only use of slight cursing. This song details the story of a couple who separates, where The Weeknd laments the loss of Grande. With no explicit sexual references, this is the first song I might deem chaste, even if the wailing by The Weeknd at the end is slightly unbearable.

six thirty

This song begins with the use of the "BS" word, and Grande boasts that she is delicious and asks if the person she is singing to is "down". This song is sinful.

safety net (featuring Tyler Dollar Sign)

Ariana Grande says that she is "tripping" with no safety net. I am no idiot, I immediately skipped this song after realising the implications of illicit drug use. Clearly sinful.

my hair

In my hair, Grande details how she wants a man to touch her hair. I am not sure if this is a filthy metaphor but it sounds like one. The only thing an unmarried woman should be doing with her hair is properly combing it, not letting men touch it like a harlot. Regardless, it is sinful.

nasty

I did not bother listening to nasty- it was so clearly sinful by the title.

west side

Seems like yet another sinful song, not that the lyrics were all that noticeable. I am unsure what the "west side" is a metaphor for. I am going to presume this is sinful by default. At this stage, Grande is beginning to bore me.

love language

High violin clashes begin this song, which intrigue me, but this does not continue into the song, unfortunately. "Love language" seems like some sort of sick metaphor, and she uses the S-word, which is enough for me to deem this song sinful. It is also, like west side, boring.

positions

The beat on positions intrigue me, and she begins the song by saying that "heaven sent you to me", which I do approve of. While the metaphor of "positions" may be a sinful one, by describing herself as "cooking in the kitchen, then in the bedroom", Ariana Grande is clearly trying to adhere to the traditional feminine role in positions, which I approve of, and declares that her love for her partner is "infinite". However, she uses the F-word and the S-word. However, there is a clean version of positions without wanton swearing, which I will deem as chaste.

obvious

Ariana Grande uses the F-word and speaks about "dirty truths", and I am wondering if she could make it any more obvious that this song is sinful.

pov

Ariana Grande, in this song, sings about how she wants to be loved like her partner loves her. This song, unlike others on positions, is not sexually suggestive, and seems to be a song about how Grande wishes she saw herself as her partner does, presenting a positive message of self-love, and thankfully, contains no swearing! This song is the most chaste on positions, and my personal favourite.

While there were some highlights on positions, the album in general was sinful and disgusting. It is definitely not suitable for Christians, with the vast majority of songs on here being sinful. The only song on here I can recommend to God-fearing Christians is pov, and I encourage all Christians in Australia to boycott the rest of positions.