Wow. What an amazing match of the ancient game, soccer — which I, ever the contrarian, call football.

After the humiliating defeat to Nigeria, many had said the Matildas had run out of gas and were waiting to be put down.

But we see now that wasn't true. They played a beautiful game, dominating Canada in a 4-0 humiliation. Canada were never even allowed to come online — it was a slaughter our country can be proud of.

And as a lesbian, I think it's important to acknowledge that they all looked gorgeous out there, glistening with sweat and at the apex of human fitness, like a lioness on the savannah. In fact they looked so good that whenever they got mad at the ref I was just thinking "you're so right queen, don't let them persecute you." We should give them a huge pay rise, they deserve it.

And WOW. How about that amazing penalty shot by our great captain? The Matildas are on their way to the Round of 16 thanks to her and all the other "great" players.

I demand the government immediately call a "emergency public holiday" so we can treat this like a Friday night. Come on Aussies, let's go out and have a drink for our Matilda champions — even if it made me sad when the pretty Canadian women cried :(