The whistlestop tour is a famous tradition in politics – candidates will visit a large amount of towns in one day by chartering a railcar and visiting towns along a rail line. But what is a candidate supposed to do when there is no rail line?

Bairnsdale, 12:45pm

While a press conference had initially been scheduled for 11:20am, model-putrid’s train to Bairnsdale was cancelled, forcing her onto a coach and postponing the press conference. The few journalists who had shown up mainly left, leaving only one beleaguered intern from the Gippsland Times and a few curious onlookers by the time model-putrid arrived outside Bairnsdale station with her bike.

“Well, thank you all for coming along today, folks, because I have a big announcement to make. Since I’m late, might as well just cut straight to the chase – a re-elected Socialist Party government will deliver a railway line from Bairnsdale to Orbost. This is a line that never should have closed in the first place – while by 1987 it hadn’t seen passenger rail for a while, there was still lots of log traffic going in and out of Orbost.

Closing this line served as a big blow to local businesses and industry. Now, 35 years on, it’s clear that the logging industry isn’t going to be sustainable in the long-term, and that we need to start making plans to phase it out. But we also need to ensure that not a single local job is lost in the process. A joint study between two councils showed 1,110 jobs would be lost in the East Gippsland and Wellington shires if native forest logging ended today. We can’t let that happen – it would be devastating for so many people.

That’s why we want to reopen the Bairnsdale to Orbost line. It will supercharge jobs in the local area, not just in the short term with construction jobs for locals, but also in the long term, making Orbost and the other towns along the line a more attractive place to do business in, and making it easier for Orbost residents to access jobs and opportunities elsewhere without having to move.

Given the beautiful, rugged terrain of East Gippsland, we don’t think this is going to be easy, or cheap. While we’ve not had the chance to have the line formally costed, presuming a cost of $5 million per km for dual track and a speed of 160 km/h, it would cost $440 million just for the track, not including any stations or rolling stock.

We would ideally like to run a tilt train on the line to increase speeds, like the Talgo 250, but the focus will not be speed, it will be efficiency. We don’t need a bullet train in Orbost yet, we just need a train, and so we won’t be building a high-speed line out to there – the line is likely to be closer to high-quality freight standards than any high-speed track. Still fast – the service would likely average 130 km/h – but not a bullet train, because that would be unaffordable.

But speaking of East Gippsland’s beautiful terrain, it’s time for me to go explore it, because I’ll be cycling along the old rail line today and telling locals in the four towns where we plan to open new stations about the Socialist Party’s plan to supercharge East Gippsland and deliver the Orbost Rail Revival!”

Nicholson, 1:40pm

model-putrid’s planned itinerary for her cyclestop tour was posted online after her Bairnsdale speech, and a handful of Nicholson residents have shown up to see what she has to say.

“If you give your vote to the Socialist Party in the Senate, we will deliver a new rail line to Orbost, and a new rail station for Nicholson. We are committed to delivering economic growth for Gippsland, and this new rail line will bring jobs to the area.

Nicholson is already a key stopping point for travellers on the Princes Highway, and a rail line has the potential to not only open up this town to visitors from elsewhere, but also give locals the opportunity to easily access regional centres like Sale and Bairnsdale by train, whereas now, your only choice is to drive.

I also hear a lot from folks around here about congestion, especially in the summer months when Melburnians flock down to Lakes for the holidays. This rail line will help fix that – once it’s built, tourists will have the option to take the train to Nicholson, and then connect to a comfortable, high-frequency coach that takes them straight to Lakes, taking more cars off the road and making your commute on the Princes Highway easier.”

Bruthen, 2:30pm

By the time of model-putrid’s arrival in Bruthen, about a dozen residents greet her, ready to hear her speak about the planned new rail line.

“I am proud to announce today that a re-elected Socialist government will reopen the rail line from Bairnsdale to Orbost, returning rail here to Bruthen for the first time in 35 years.

This campaign, I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of claptrap from the opposition. They claim we didn’t deliver, they claim we’re liars, they claim we’re corrupt. But when it comes to rail, I ask you – judge us on our record. The Socialist Party delivers.

We’ve returned passenger rail to Leongatha, Horsham, Port Fairy, Maffra, Yea, Mildura, and Heyfield, among so many others. Without my advocacy in Parliament, these communities wouldn’t have gotten their trains back, but they did. It’s now finally time for East Gippsland to get their turn, and for rail to come back to Nicholson, Bruthen, Nowa Nowa, and Orbost.

This project will deliver hundreds of jobs for local residents, and make East Gippsland a much more attractive place to live and invest in. Residents here will have access to services and shops from across Gippsland without having to drive for hours on end – they can take the train!

Let’s bring jobs and growth here to Bruthen, and vote 1 for rail this election!”

Nowa Nowa, 5:15pm

Word of model-putrid’s visit to Nowa Nowa has spread far by now, and many residents finishing work have decided to detour to see her speak.

“Thank you all for showing up tonight, folks. As you may have heard by now, the Socialist Party has committed to returning rail to Nowa Nowa if we’re re-elected.

Rail investment is something that I care very deeply about, and that I have worked hard to deliver on. For too long, Melbourne-focused governments have invested billions into metro services, while cutting and closing regional services. It’s unfair and borderline discriminatory. Just because you live in the country, it doesn’t mean you should have to always use your car to get around.

In large regional towns like Drouin and Warragul, we’re even seeing Melbourne-style congestion spread there, because people have no choice but to drive. A lot of you are probably coming back from work, right? How many of you live here but work in Bairnsdale? Or Orbost?”

About half of the crowd raise their hands.

“Every day, you folks have to drive to work. You spend more than an hour each day stuck behind the wheel, stuck inside your car. How many of you would like to use that hour productively? Instead of being stuck in your car, how would you like to get on board a train to work every day?

By investing in regional rail, country residents get the opportunity to have an alternative to the polluting car, just like Melbourne residents do. They get the freedom to choose – maybe they want to enjoy the beauty of the open road one day, maybe they want to sit back and relax on the train the next.

That’s what I want for East Gippsland. Vote Socialist if you want it too.”

Orbost, 10:30pm

After an extremely physically draining cycle, model-putrid arrived in Orbost about an hour later than she would have liked to. The late arrival meant that barely anyone showed up to her planned speech, with the exception of one man, so instead of having a speech, model-putrid decided to speak with him directly.

“Have you heard of my plan to build a rail line to Orbost?”

I have, but I’m unsure if it’s economically viable. Has it passed a cost-benefit analysis?

“Well, no, it hasn’t, but frankly, these sort of bureaucratic studies are just used as an excuse to delay and dither for regional residents. We already know that rail helps communities thrive, which is why we’re committed to investing in the Orbost Rail Revival.”

Have you considered any sort of alternative methods of transport to heavy rail?

“Well, there’s really no alternative to heavy rail when it comes to moving large amounts of people over long distances. Do you have any alternatives in mind?”

I was thinking that a model of guided bus rapid transit might work – it’s called the trackless tram, I think it’s really innovative, what do you think?

“...”

Well?

“If I were a more violent woman I would shoot you in the face right now.”

Excuse me?

“Go fuck yourself.”