The following is a transcript of a press conference delivered by Model-Trask in Melbourne.

Model-Trask enters the press conference wearing a Collingwood scarf, beanie, and jacket. He also brings with him a literal Magpie, which sits obediently on his right shoulder. As he approaches the podium "Collingwood Forever" begins blasting through the room. He waits for the song to end before beginning.

Trask: Its a shame I have to do this press conference. Really, I shouldn't have to come up here and defend the honour and integrity of our national sport. But yesterday, a horrible, heinous thing happened. Yesterday, the Prime Minister said that National Rugby League is better than Australian Rules Football.

There are murmurs of disapproval from the gaggle of journalist.

Trask: A bold faced lie, as we all well know. Australian Rules Football is the most dynamic, athletically challenging, and spirited contact sport in the world. Most importantly, it's an Australian sport, our own, to love and cherish. Every single Australian knows this in their heart. Every Australian has felt the rush of exultation and pride at watching an MCG grand final. So why is the Prime Minister denigrating our national sport before the eyes of the world?

Unidentified Journalist: Because he hates Australia?

Trask: That's right mate, you got it in one. The Prime Minister and his cronies hate our country, our culture, and our way of life. It's no secret they want to make us more like Britain, more like those stuffy royals who we have spent many decades trying to distance ourselves from. He doesn't appreciate those things that are uniquely Australian: our innate sense of fairness, our diversity of thought and culture, our democratic ideals and institutions, our great Aussie music, our great Aussie beer, and most of all, our great Aussie Rules Football.

Unidentified Journalist: But what is wrong with the NRL?

Trask: Nothing is wrong with the NRL, it's a fine sport. I played it myself when I was a younger man. But it is not an Australian sport, and like all sports, it is inferior to our great Aussie Rules Football. The Prime Minister knows AFL is the best and needs to stop lying about it before the nation. It's a horrid vicious lie, and to be frank, it's bloody well un-Australian.

Unidentified Journalist: If the Socialist Party is part of the next government, will you move to make AFL the official national sport?

Trask: It already is the official national sport, but you are right in that we need to make it law. But to make that happen we need every voter to put the Australia-hating CPA last on their ballots come Election Day. Whatever their faults, the Liberals and ANCAP are true blue Aussies who love our amazing and beautiful Aussie Rules Football.

Unidentified Journalist: If the Prime Minister was in front of you right now, what would you say to him?

Trask: I would tell him to pull his head in, stop spreading all this un-Australian rot, and get on board with our great national sport, Aussie Rules Football.

Unidentified journalist: Why are you wearing Collingwood regalia?

Trask: Because like any true Blue Aussie I love my AFL team. Up the Pies! That will be all everyone. Have a good day, and make sure you tune into the Footy when it gets started again.

"Collingwood Forever" resumes blasting through the room as Model-Trask leaves.