Hello lovely people. This is me being very honest about something I've never talked to anyone about before. I've always had a feeling that this life isn't what we think, a form of solipsism if you will, although I don't think the things I perceive are fake. I've always been slightly interested in lucid dreaming, and have dreams that felt significant. I remember waking up from a dream having thought I met someone important, bit couldn't remember who, or waking up with a significant place on earth, but unable to find it. I never gave it too much credit though.

I had a dream about 6 months ago though. It was very abstract, and slightly terrifying. I can't remember the substance of it, but I remember coming away from it knowing if I don't break through and manage to explore lucid dreaming before I'm 27, I never will. I was shown multiple layers and colours, different orbs, each signifying a progression through different ages, and they stop after 27. This then morphed into the idea that lucid dreaming is a stepping stone into astral projection. I've never done a lot of research into astral projection, mostly because of executive dysfunction. I think I'm afraid to fail. I was partially successful in lucid dreaming though. I was recalling lots of dreams before the new year, I gave up nicotine as I felt it muddied my mental state, I was more mindful than I ever have been, but I always had a lot on my plate and never managed to create a solid routine that enabled me to lucid dream. Christmas was very stressful though, I started drinking more heavily, started vaping again, and my sleep routine fell apart, and hasn't come back. I don't dream anymore, and my goal feels further away than it has done since my initial dream.

So. I find myself unable to connect to that feeling of something other. I've stopped dreaming. I don't feel a spiritual connection to the world anymore, and I find myself comparing my emotional and imaginative range from when I was younger to the range available to me now, and it's so limited. I'm terrified that my soul is atrophying and will die soon, forever. Could this be happening? What do you suggest? Please help me, I don't know who else to talk to about this because it sounds absolutely insane.