Obligatory "buckle up, this is a doozy," as well as apologies for format issues as I'm on mobile.

So earlier today, my mom said that my aunt and uncle, who are currently positive with COVID-19, have invited her over twice this week to meet their new puppies. I already have a lot of issues with this aunt and uncle, things they’ve said or ways they’ve acted towards me or opinions they hold, I really was so disgusted and I just wanted to rant. So I posted a status on my Facebook, not mentioning whom I was talking about, but saying that if you’ve had a positive COVID test you don’t need to be inviting people into your home to see your puppies. That you’re stupid. “I dont like you. Period.” I shouldnt have, but i ESPECIALLY should have remembered to change the privacy on it to private, from public. I didn't. Anyone could see it.

Apparently people did see it, and called my uncle. And my uncle called my mom. Shouting at her. I’m not welcome in his home anymore, which would be nice in itself, no more excuses as to why I won’t be there. But my mom’s furious and probably mortified, and also probably hurt because my uncle took it out on her, and my dad informed me that SHE wants to just throw me out now, and he can't begin to think of what to say to me. Merry Christmas, Mom; have a rift between you and your remaining brother. I screwed up biiiiigtime.

I deleted the post and I deactivated my Facebook, and I’m furious with myself. Three months ago I was barely using Facebook and my life was just fine for it. I knew that I used it too much before, and it ruled me, so I STOPPED, I was on top of that addiction and I checked my notifications maybe once every few days. I missed stuff people said a lot and that was GOOD. But lately I’ve been using it more for that hit of serotonin I get when I briefly connect with someone in a comment section. And I let myself start using it as an outlet and messed stuff up hardcore. I see that it was selfish of me to post something so inflammatory about someone else, just for that connection and that serotonin. Solidarity means so much right now, but at some point, the price goes too high.

So now I need to figure out how to apologize, via letter, to my aunt and uncle, because I genuinely want to apologize, but I also don’t like them, but I have to be as apologetic and prostrate myself as much as I can, and as a result of years of abuse I’m just really bad at apologizing, I just repeat myself over and over. But I feel awful. My venting should never have been to anyone more than my boyfriend, and because I did, they had friends and neighbors calling them, judging them, and they should never have had the opportunity or information to do so. I also made it personal. I called them stupid and said I didn't like them. Did I mention whom it was about? No. Did they know anyway? Yes. And that's the problem. At that point it stopped being me speaking my mind in a Facebook rant and became a message directly to them.

More importantly, I have to figure out how to apologize to my mom. My mom and I have a pretty bad relationship, which on my end, stems from things she did to me as a child, and that (in my opinion, not diagnosed,) she is a narcissist, if that can give you an idea of some of what we go through. Gaslighting, etc. I live with my parents both because I’m disabled (mental conditions due to the things from childhood,) and also because my dad is disabled and I’m able to help when he needs it. I have been trying so hard to put in the work to make things tolerable between us. We constantly pick at and argue with each other and I have consciously tried to stop and be more positive towards her, and now this. This morning she was telling my dad how frustrated she is, and that because she’s recovering from surgery, she can’t even see her friends at work and talk through it with them. And I do this. Four days before Christmas in the worst year we’ve had in my lifetime, my mom having lost her mom in February and not being able to see her new grandson as much as she should because of COVID. She and my dad are both high risk and so we all three have to take extra precautions, and have isolated at home as much as possible for almost a year now, and it has to be as terrible for her as it is for me.

Can anyone give me some advice or maybe help with structuring to turn these ramblings into a letter to my aunt and uncle? My anxiety is so high and it's so hard to focus, it took me almost an hour to write this alone (and another half an hour moving it from notes to reddit, adding and removing lines and words.) I know that a lot of what I wrote here is definitely worth writing down but when I reread it and try to form it into a letter, my vision swims and I can't put it all where it needs to go.