Note: this is NOT financial help request. I have work, I'm not fired (yet), and work with a good income, above median.

I'm looking for advices, or information about possible resources in my situation. Just note: I know violence phone line, I googled and found several hotlines. Also, I've already called them half of year ago, but it didn't work for me. They started to ask my address, name, and I terminated call, despite already chat about 2 hours or so. Because don't want my husband be reported to police.

What kind resources can be? Maybe support groups, where you can stay anonymous, or maybe free social worker (or not expensive, I can hide from my husband, I think, 100, maybe 200 Canadian dollars), or your own ideas what can help me to break abuse cycle - my brain not let me do this.

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I'm in stuck in abusive marriage even with a physical violence. I can't get out of it, my brain not let me do this, because like other abusers my husband usually very nice and kind person. And I believe, I can just destroy him if I leave . Also, because of a physical violence and related depression, I lost work 3 times since 2022. He used once a knife against my arm, I have a scar after it, my own pepper sprey against me, and once he broke my rib. He beats me a multiple of times, broke my items, like computer monitor a lot of times. Or beat me in the face.

But today and last 3 days he was so nice, cared about me, helped me with my working task - we're both programmers, and I cried after we confronted in previews week, and missed deadline (I think, 1-2 more time, and I'll be fired again).

He also cared about my health issues yesterday and prepared food (in 99% cases I do this) and let me focused on my work. He also told me a lot of funny stories yesterday evening, and I felt I love him in that time. I'm crying now, and requested day-off on my work for today, because feel broken and disoriented and I don't understand what to do.

Also, after abuse, I have very low self-esteem. I have real reasons for this, I'm in my late 30s, and I believe I'll have about zero value in the dating market, because I'm trans woman, and despite I'm passing (transitioned when I was 17, later detranced by my parents by force and put in conversion therapy clinic, later escaped and transitioned again), it means nothing, because half of mankind passing as females, it's not an advantage .

So, I really hate to tell anybody i'm trans. I never told to my employers, usually not told to friends . And I hate dating so much, because I have to tell this shit to men before a first kiss. I think, it also not let me leave abuse cycle, as well as job/income insecure(I don't ask you money guys, but advices how to keep my work in my case. I think, manager already unhappy. I passed test time, but because of our conflicts was not productive last 3 weeks).

Also, I have no support network. I missed my local friends, because they started to ask me questions like why I used heavy make up( to hide bruise on my face), or why husband of my friend no longer see my husband -we started friendship as couples. And honestly , i never had close friends here, in Canada - I'm immigrant

I usually spend my own time to help other people. I bought in the past a lot of time food for people, who is struggling, or hormones for other trans people, or did kinda of volunteering job (like programming job) or managed communities of people (like I had online support group for trans people in my home country). Basically, it's first time in last 10 years when I ask a help. 15 years ago my life was saved by a man, who became my first BF later. And I'm not comfortable to ask a help. I prefer to help other people myself. And probably I can ask help of someone who received my help in the past. But can't. I don't know why. Probably, because I usually told that I have a good marriage. And it was true until 2022, when abuse started. We're together since 2015.

I followed up and asked advices in different subreddits multiple time(maybe it can be useful to check my other threads with abuse topic). Also, I think, I helped other people, because I always wanted to have reason to live. And I'm in abuse cycle because of it too - because I need somebody, like my husband, to take care of. Reason to live.

I don't know, how to fix my life.

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