I'm a 35 year old Chinese American, immigrated to the US when I was 10, and my wife is a 34 year old Chinese woman who has lived in the US for a decade.

We are both educated (doctorate degrees), successful, and intelligent. However, there has been a single persistent issue that I hope to get this sub's input.

My wife is a feminist, but her feminism is decidedly different from the American brand of feminism. Her feminism, according to her, is about maximizing personal autonomy in complete disregard for normalized gender biases. However, this does not mean that the results will look "feminist".

Let me give some examples. She insists that I continue to date and have sexual relationships with other women that I find attractive, while abstaining from dating other men, unless at my request. Her explanation is that she does not think it possible for her to satisfy all my desires, and so rather than run the risk of my sacrificing too much to maintain a relationship, she would rather I satisfy these desires and let the relationship grow stronger as a result.

I'm not going to lie, this has worked out really well for us. I have a couple of close female friends that have moved from close female friends to close female friends with benefits. They get along well with my wife, and often goes out together as friends without me.

I'm not a jealous person, and so have encouraged her to do the same. But it would appear that she's not really interested in sex/romance with other people, unless it turns me on in some way. I.e., she would flirt and have sex with another dude, but only if I'm present and enjoying the spectacle.

She also gets mad if I do any of the household chores, which I'm super happy to do my part, but she tells me that she doesn't feel as accomplished if I helped vs her doing it all by herself. We don't have kids, and a fairly automated household, and so it's not a lot of work. (I planned it this way because I had previously planned out the household as a bachelor thing, and I'm all about that efficiency) I feel very guilty about not helping, but I also got tired of fighting with her when I take out the trash or do the dishes, or vacuum. She doesn't mind if I cook because it's a special occasion, but she generally gets angry at me if I cook myself something rather than asking her to do it for me.

We talked about this, and her need to do these things comes from childhood abuse and insecurity in her own value, and that if she doesn't do these things, she feels unworthy, and will start doing self destructive things like picking fights and be disengaged.

On the one hand, I feel like she's the perfect picture of someone brainwashed by the patriarchy into a set of behaviors that's not great for her. On the other hand, I'm not sure how to dissuade her from these positions. She always responds that feminism is about women doing what they want, no matter what it is, and my insistence on doing things a certain way is misogynistic and small minded and based on my limited upbringing in an American environment - all true statements.

In other ways, her logic is... Hard to argue against. If she really does take pleasure in service, would I be unsupportive if I didn't... Let her?