Together 15ish years, both in our 40s, I'm some years older than him.

My husband does not suck. He's not amazing, but he does not suck. I don't know how far we want to get into what the means exactly, but rest assured that he is not abusive, does more than half of the chores to try and balance out the fact that I take on 90% of the mental load, has good hygiene/goes the the doctor regularly, and is not an asshole.

All that said, one of the things that's bothered me in our relationship for a long time is that we almost never go to bed together. Now, some of that is because he is a freelancer in a job that has hours all over the place. My job is more traditional, but there are also times when my hours are all over the place. BUT when we first started dating (and for quite a few years into our relationship), when we had the opportunity to go to sleep together, we did. I'm sure it's not a coincidence that we also had a lot more sex during this time, but that's a whole other situation.

At some point, I don't know what happened, but we went from going to sleep together pretty much every time we could, to almost never going to sleep together, which is where we're at now.

I have asked us to try to do it 1-3 times a week, depending on how our schedules line up. Repeatedly. For YEARS. I've talked about how important it is to me. How connected me makes me feel to him. How much it means to me. But is almost never happens.

I'm going to take a moment to mention here that when he's the person who is going to sleep first (which is fairly rare), he used to almost always ask me to go to sleep with him, even if he was going to sleep super early. I almost always reject that at this point because it honestly pisses me off. Which I have told him. He doesn't ask every time anymore, but he does ask regularly.

Anyways, the other night, I was in the shower, and I was wondering when he was going to go to bed and debating asking him if he wanted to go to bed together and all of a sudden, I just felt tired. And I thought "fuck it. I don't care anymore". I've said that to myself before, and then cried about it. But this time, I just felt tired and resigned. He doesn't want to cuddle with me the way we used to. It isn't important to him that we do it. It isn't important to him that it's important to me. I'm tired of caring about it.

So I'm not going to ask him anymore.

I'm going to do my own thing, enjoy my evening the way I want, go to bed when I want, and that's that.

I don't feel bad about this decision, but I do feel like it's a step away from him. And I don't know if it's the first step of many or just a single thing that I've decided to throw the towel in on.

I've debated mentioning it to him, but I don't know if that would sound dumb. And if I did mention it to him and he suddenly made an effort to do it, I'm not sure if that would piss me off or not. I'm just tired of throwing away energy in places where it doesn't seem like I'm going to get it back, and trying not to do that (that includes work & friendships, and is not entirely aimed at how our relationship is going).

Anybody been in this situation or have any thoughts?

Edited to add, since I keep getting asked:

I usually go to bed between 12-1. He usually goes to bed between 12:30-2.

When he asks me to go to bed early, it's usually 2-3 hours early.

When I ask him to go to bed early, it's usually half an hour early.

If he asked me to go to bed early half an hour early (or maybe even an hour early), I would probably do it and be happy. The only reason why I'm not 100% sure I'd do it and be happy is because it still feels bad that when I ask, it's almost always "no" and the part where I do it for him and he doesn't do it for me is hurtful.