I'm talking about someone who claimed I'd seen a side of him no one ever had before, who claimed he needed to forcefully shut down all feelings of attraction bc it was triggering to him bc of a previous LDR (I wasn't asking for commitment, just wanted to flirt and see where things go) and so he didn't want to flirt (we met online 3 months ago, he is not an old friend).

he then continues to debate and fight with me to secure my friendship for weeks, making a huge deal out of keeping me around, which leads me to forgive him (not entirely, but mostly) for leading me on, but in the process of all this emotional boundary flopping I came to see just how messed up he was - some kind of severe avoidant attachment issues. he has said numerous times that he has issues with sabotaging things when things are going fine. he accepted my analysis of him and it seemed like we were in the clear to try friendship out genuinely.

ever since, he's been distant and dry as fuck. we are supposed to maybe hang out when I visit his city, but I don't know.

what's the deal with someone who continually tries to access you emotionally only to back out further and further on the same things THEY offered in the first place? it's the weirdest most fucked up behaviour I've ever seen, to be honest.

he will respond with explanations of himself, yet, it's always to excuse what he's doing and I'm left with the impression I have "misplaced" expectations that I have attempted to repeatedly adjust based on what he said he was offering.

It's like he wants me to go the mile to do everything and then he can just reject things instead of admitting up front what his REAL capacity is. I feel like I'm being used as a litmus test because a healthy person wouldn't lead someone on a million times and push them away over and over.

And to be clear, no, I am not incessantly messaging him either. I will go days (and now weeks) without saying anything.

why would someone make a big deal out of meeting someone and keeping them around, and then continually reject them? it feels like he's trying to destroy my ability to expect ANYTHING from him, like he wants me to participate in a connection with zero security that is entirely controlled by him. why the fuck would someone fight for something like that? with a "friend"? that doesn't feel very friendly to me.

I can see a man doing this to angle an abusive relationship, but a FRIENDSHIP? wtf?

pardon my naivety, but Im used to a social society where if people are not capable of caring about someone else AND they don't want what they might see as the "obligation" of it, they either don't get involved or they are very upfront about the limits of their intentions. this behaviour seems so immature and like something I'd expect from a guy who's under 25.

And yes, I'm anticipating responses that say "who cares, move on." but for me, I care about judging someone fairly, especially in confusing situations. I want to understand as best as I can, but everything he seems to say is an excuse. if anyone has insight into this strange experience through experience of their own, I'd be grateful to hear from you.