Ok, so I am going to just preface this by saying that I don't know exactly what I am looking for or asking and I don't even know that this is the place I should be looking....so just basic first question if you read this whole thing: where is a good place to find meaningful real connections with humans or to ask how to do that? Also, I apologize in advance, I may ramble because I just feel lost.

The last 2ish years (actually realistically 4 years) have been pretty terrible for me (40sF), and the previous 10 weren't much better. Fall 21 I had my last child, unplanned and not exactly a great surprise, but love them and so thankful for that surprise. A month later, our house was foreclosed on. This was both a good and bad thing. We hated living there, but we unable logistically to move. The home was not in my name, but in my long term partner's (40s); however, I essentially paid for everything as he was unable to hold down a job.

Our relationship was very toxic/co-dependent and he had struggled with addiction and various other things throughout. I realize that it was an abusive relationship; however, this I am still really learning to accept and not minimize, as he was not 'physically' abusive (ie he never actually hit me). We were together for about 16 years when we ended 1 year ago.

General/background information about our relationship: We got together when I was 25 and he was 31. Now I say that I was the perfect victim for him (I still am honestly, but I am trying to learn, hence the post)...I am a very trusting person and I try to always believe the best. I generally never jump to the worst motives and give people the benefit of the doubt. I was always a very honest and open person...kind of a hot mess, but generally well liked and regarded. I was responsible, independent and motivated. zI was promoted quickly at work and was directly supervising up to 40 staff at a time.

During our relationship, he could never hold down a job. At first, he would get another one and it didn't really affect me. Slowly obviously it did. He had learned how to manipulate me and I learned to make excuses for him. (Really trying to figure out how to really unlearn this) He had several relapses of drug addiction over the years. I am a child of addicts and work in mental health. Perfect victim. I paid for everything. I worked my ass off at a very stressful job this whole time to provide for us. He eventually became a stay at home dad to our kids.

This somewhat worked, as we saved a lot on daycare and his unpredictable employment was more stressful to me than just knowing we were poor. However, he was primarily very abusive financially, even though I was the only one working. He stole from me, he stole from my family, his family....he lied about money and what he was doing with what I gave. He insisted on managing money and paying bills. All bills went into his name after we tanked my previously good credit and rental history. Hence why house was in his name. There is a lot more but this post will already be long. I am happy to give more details on anything if someone wants in comments/dms whatever.

Anyway, so our house went into foreclosure. I was miserably unhappy in our relationship and had been for years. An opportunity that can only be described as fate or a miracle presented that allowed me to own a home outright in my name only (best thing that could have ever happened to me). The partner was unhappy with this and it was ugly. There was a lot of anger directed towards me, but this situation was 1000% his own making. (Again, I could write a book)

One week after moving, I fell and had a significant injury. Keep in mind, I have an 18 month old plus 2 more kids and am the only working adult. He didn't help me for shit. It was awful. Fucking awful and the situation only got worse. During this period, he was acting very weird and sketchier than normal even. Things were strange and I was questioning a lot of things. But he was a good talker and again, I am generally trusting. But I am not completely stupid.

About a month after I fell, there was an incident (on our anniversary no less) that brought a lot to light and involved another woman. It evolved into a huge fight. I attempted to end the relationship and kick him out. He wouldn't go and I got stuck. It was complicated and I can provide more details, but he was there for a little longer before it imploded for real.

It ended up that he had relapsed on meth at some point. I thought he was just cheating on me. Nope, he was cheating, using meth and using my money to do it all. It ended with a domestic violence call (fucking scared the shit out of me and was the first time I really feared for my safety for real), order of protection and bunch of stuff. But that brings us to pretty much now. He is now sober and essentially overall doing well (I say that with a grain of salt and I don't give a shit mostly). However, we have kids. We have to co-parent and I still have to have contact.

During this time, I also had another fall where I had a very significant injury that took months to fully heal. I was again predominately on my own with my kids. I had to take another job (for the money and flexibility for single motherhood), which is significantly more stressful and demanding. I am on call 24/7 and am constantly dealing with people problems. I am literally a caregiver to everyone in my life. The ex now has a good job I would say, but it is a traveling job. He is not around and is not actually capable of 50/50 physical custody. I understand this. I have been flexible and understanding. He doesn't have a home where he can have the kids so all his visitations take place at my home. I was willing to work with this as it is more important to me that my kids needs are being met and they need to see him. (It was really bad for them when the protection order was in place and they didn't see or talk to him for months)

But we are a year out and I literally have had no time without them. There is literally never a time when I don't have kids or I am not working. I have no time to myself. I never get a break. I handle it all. He does help consistently financially, but absolutely not even close to half.

During our relationship, I literally lost every single part of myself. I lost all my friends. I have a very limited support system. I lost my social skills and my self worth. He broke me down and I am just lost. I asked him tonight (after his 4 hour visit at my house) if he can make arrangements to take the kids 1 weekend a month for the whole time he was off work. This is essentially Friday evening through Sunday morning. He pretty much told me to go fuck myself, but in a nicer way. (hence my ramble tonight)

I sorta work in mental health/social services etc so I am very aware of some things, right. I help people live their lives every day. But I just can't seem to do the same for myself. My finances are very tight. I pay my bills and our 'needs' are met, but there is little wiggle room right now. I don't really have money for therapy. I also don't really have time in my life right now.

I am so lonely. I have tried to find some human connections during this year. I really thought I was going to be set free and finally be able to have the life I want...but I am not finding that to be true. Most of my social connections have been online. Which I have enjoyed really, but also not. As I am learning that those aren't really my friends and I can't really be myself there either. I don't know how to make or find friends. There are various reasons for that, but I just feel really lonely.

I feel like I have wasted the best years of my life. I want more than anything to find a real life partner, but I also feel like that is now impossible for a variety of reasons...largely because I'm so fucked up now mentally and have some other physical insecurities that make me unable to even try. I have never been very successful dating and my value is not exactly increasing these days. I also feel like that is about the last thing I should be even thinking about, but on the other hand, I really want to experience what it is like to have a real partnership and love. I want to be someone's number 1 pick. I want someone to want to spend time with me and enjoy sharing life.

So how do I unfuck myself? Or find acceptance and happiness with the hot mess fucked upness that I live? I need something somewhere to get better. I honestly more than anything think I just need a person or 2 in my life that I can be 100% myself with and say anything without judgement. I need my ride or dies. How do you find this? Where do I start? Is there a place that this would better suited too?

TL; DR: After years of wrong choices and a bad relationship where you lose everything about yourself....how do you unfuck your mind and life? How do you find a support system as an adult who has lost their social skills and self worth? With limitations on finances, childcare/free time, work demands? Where do you start to build your life? How do I navigate co-parenting? I mean, I guess really want to know...how do people life lives that are happy, healthy and full of meaningful connection?