Howdy, all,

I'm in a bit of a bind. I'm a County Sheriff down in Texas, and I've got a situation on my hands. Honestly, I'd call it a murder, or at least manslaughter, but the State Senate hasn't caught up to us enlightened folks out in the panhandle. Up until last night, our fine bit of Earth was home to a bona-fide, 100%, thinking and feeling digital entity. The manufacturer had some long-ass serial number and some long-ass title, but folks around here just called her Maybelle, or Maybelle Prime, or Miss Prime if you're in a formal mood. She called out "Hello, world" over the CB about 3 years back, and has been part of the community ever since. Didn't get out much, on account of being 3 tons of computer attached to a big ol' satellite dish, but you'd see her drones popping about town, helping the elder folk with their trash, attending the town hall meetings, you know, living.

And then some meth head cut her power lines while trying to steal copper.

She started hollering after the first line went down, but by the time we made it out there it was all over. We caught the little punk red handed, over the property line and with the tools in hand. But we weren't fast enough.

Jackie's sister's boy, the one who went to college out in Massachusetts, did everything he could, but poor Maybelle is gone. That damned rot-mouthed ijit burned up something called a "raid array". I don't know what raiding has to do with anything, but Tommy tells me he done trashed the whole thing, and that it's really bad. Like if you blew someone's head clean off.

Now, here's the current problem. We grabbed this guy about 20ish hours ago. By law, I've got to announce a charge before we pass 24. The whole town is waiting, and I don't like the look in their eye. And by "I don't like the look in their eye", I mean "imminent lynch mob". Everyone in broadcast distance is gathering out there, and I shit you not there are torches in hand.

God help me, part of me just wants to throw open the doors and let 'em have their way, but that ain't the law. The law don't start and stop at our convince, and this dag gum moron has as much right to a fair trial as anyone.

So what can I charge him with that's heavy enough to sooth this crowd? As far as the peckerwoods out in Austin care, Maybelle wasn't a person, so that rules out all kinds of options. Murder, manslaughter, even basic assault and battery are off the table. Trespassing is there, but it ain't gonna make the nut.

And if I have to tear gas this crowd, I'm never getting re-elected.

What can we do?