I don't have major kinks/fetishes. Not into BDSM, humiliation kink, cuck fetish or that hotwife thingy.

My ex from around a decade ago. She was still hung-up on her ex when we met. Two guys in between us.

We broke up due to many reasons including this as well.

She said that she doesn't have a type. Kinda believable. Not exactly. Most of her exes have been the granola type. Same as her.

This particular ex. Bizarro. She said that she's never been superficial. Kinda true. Most have been not conventionally attractive or with successful careers. They weren't perfect or anything when they were with her but they were mostly decent.

This dude though. Jerk. Very conventionally attractive although I've always begged to differ. Sorry for not being very articulate today. Insomnia episodes. Most thought he was super cool just because he was hot. In reality, he was super vanilla and selfish.

He's a typical jock, you see. He was insecure though. He's never been D-1. He didn't even do Jock right.

My ex was cool (only minor red-flags except for this one) overall, not very superficial at all except for this ex. She values connection, kindness, wit and compability. He was none of that. Selfish in (worst she ever had, she said) bed, boring, ignorant and an all-round jerk.

The only thing going on for him being his conventional attractiveness. That's superficial though.

Knowing that my ex was still into him when we were still together did make my blood boil. Her other exes have never made me feel anything like this. I think because even though they ain't it, they were still somewhat decent people.

Thoughts of them having fun and even fckng were always messing with my mind. The weird thing though, I kinda liked when these thoughts be messing with my mind. Imagining this hot jerk railing her made me mad, angry and disappointed. The anger, somehow, I was always trying to re-create this so-called frustration.

I was never turned-on by this. I've never been in-to watching any of my SOs for that matter get fckd by someone else. Also, never in-to having a dude humiliate me. Always into monogamy.

Never had any other of my SOs' exes that have made me feel like this. Not even one other. I was like addicted to the anger/frustration that he's made me feel. Again, sorry for them typos, I've only slept around 5-6 hours total since Sunday.

Does this mean that I'm secretly a masochist? Never been into BDSM. Just this one particular case.

Can ya'll tell me what exactly is this? What do you think? Would love to hear anything from ya'll. Goodday to all ya'll.

P/S:- He was half-back,full-back or something like that? He told my ex that the coaches said that he was too short and too skinny. Also, not good enough to be QB. I had a copy of his stats. 6' 1" and 240 lbs. They're both a year older than me.

TL;DR - - - - > Thinking about this particular ex of my ex used to frustrate me to no end when we were still together. I've never had any major kink or fetish. Does this mean that I'm secretly a masochist? Love to hear ya'll thoughts on this. Thanks.