I’ll start.

I was at my best friend’s house, and was baked enough to let them swipe right on a bunch of people on Tinder on my behalf. I matched with this guy who asked if I wanted to come around to his place and cuddle. At this stage, it was 2:30am, so I assumed ‘cuddle’ was a euphemism, but I was horny, so I agreed.

I get out of the Uber, and he has to sneak me into the house so I don’t wake anybody up. I assume he means his roommates, because he’s 35, but he quickly clarifies that he lives with his parents and his 45-year-old sister. I’m trying not to judge, because I don’t know his situation, and he’s not hurting anybody by living with his family. But when we get to his room, I attempt to make small talk and whisper-ask what he does for work or study, and he kind of shrugs and points silently at a bunch of anime posters and a pretty serious-looking gaming rig. Doesn’t matter, I tell myself. This is just a hookup. You’re not looking to date this person.

Except it wasn’t even that. We climb into bed, and it becomes apparent to me that when he said he just wanted to cuddle, he meant it. He puts on an episode of Parks and Recreation, and we just hold each other. It’s almost sweet. Until he tells me he’s going to watch some porn.

Okay, I think, now we’re getting down to business. He pulls out his laptop, and opens up one of the most meticulously organised libraries of pornography I’ve ever laid eyes upon. He puts on a video, and we just… sit there and watch it. I ask if he wants me to kiss him, and he says no. I ask if he wants me to touch him, and, again, he says no. Eventually, he changes his mind, and I spend about 45 seconds giving a sad handjob to his limp penis before he sighs and asks if I want him to drive me home. I say yes, we get into his car, he drops me off, and I never hear from him again. It was a truly confusing experience.